Thursday, December 4, 2014

Um, yea- being single is fucken awesome

I'm single and I love it. 
Here's my list of reasons why I'm grateful for the opportunity
after being in a committed relationship for almost my entire adult life:

1. Not freezing to death because of a 180 pound slab of steel hogging all the fucken blankets.  
2. All the coffee in the coffee pot is mine. 
3. Katy Perry. Whenever I want, as loud as I want. And not being embarrassed about it.
4. Never running out of soy milk or veggie chips or ice cubes.
5. Using both my driver's seat settings. One set for when I wear heels, and the other for flats. 
6. Taking advantage of the valet option instead of parking 900 miles away from the building. Which also means I get to wear heels all the time.
7. Getting free shit. Like, All. The. Time.
8. Brunch.
9. I can do whatever I want with my hair without subconsciously worrying if he'll like it. 
10. Never falling into the toilet because the seat is always down.
11. Coming home to an all white princess palace covered in glitter and smelling like a bakery at Christmas time.
12. Impromptu vacations to silly places like Pie Camp. Yes, it's a camp for baking pies. 
13. Dirty socks on the floor is non existent.
14. Everything is exactly where I last put it.
15. Always having left overs.
16. I can leave my laundry in the dryer for weeks on end.
17. Dishes are done in less than a minute.
18. Never running out of toilet paper.
19. Boozy bubble baths at 10am on a Tuesday and not feeling guilty about it.
20. Motherfucken FOOTBALL!!!
21. Watching trash tv at 3am in bed with a pint of froyo because I can't sleep.
22. Pulling an all nighter dance party without waking anyone up.
23. Not having to nurse someone else's hangover.
24. The walk in closet is all mine!
25. Being an asshole when I feel like shit without hurting anyone's feelings.
26. Late night drives to nowhere with the windows down and the music bumping.
27. Never having to justify my Ulta purchases.
28. My gigantic stash of scented candles is a thing of beauty instead of shame.
29. Make up free days. All day zero makeup, jacked up hair, and fat girl clothes. 
30. Razor sharp razors. All the time. 


Just a disclosure, when I was married my life was extremely charming. I had a rockstar husband and this list makes it seem like he was terrible. But this list isn't about him specifically. Truly this list is a random compilation of the things that I really appreciate about being solo. Even just dating, there are compromises that I have made just to spare the other dude's feelings or whatever. I'm glad at the end of the day I get to go home to my own place and I have no body to answer to, clean up after, or attempt to impress. Being single has been kind to me and I hope it continues to serve me well. 

Hugs my Loves,
CrisM

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

When your entire life is a string of "wtf" moments...

These past 11 months have been quite interesting for me to say the least. New city, new home, new people. Different car, no dog, and the single life. I've been waiting for the moment when the dust finally starts to settle and I see precisely what my life is forecasted to be like. I've been prolonging this forced epiphany because I wasn't ready for my reality. But, like any good ole life lesson- shit just happens whether you're ready for it or not.






It's tough to see the changes when you're going through it and it's easy for me to fight it because I want to hold on to the past. To my past. It's been an amazing adventure and to me, it seemed like there is no way to top that going forward. And truthfully, as dramatic and morose as that may sound- I'm ok with it, now. 

I know that the past 11 years of my life was a fairytale. I was married to the most incredible man on the planet, for me. He still is my best friend but the reality is that he is no longer mine. He is no longer the rock to keep me grounded, the support to hold me up when I feel down. Without him, I've become less structured and less centered. It has taken me almost a year to get my shit together.

The bottom line is that when your life is a constant baseline of "what the fuck" moments all strung together, it's time to make a change.

I've been in school for a year now and I've come to realize that I need more. The fucking around, the weird jobs, and the "one foot out the door" attitude about living in America again just hasn't been doing anything for me. It's my fault completely and I own that. 2014 has been quite the adventure, a slow, anti-climatic adventure but an adventure nonetheless.

My upcoming year should be better. I haven't quite figured out what I'm doing with my life but I know that how I've been operating just isn't optimal. Nurturing new relationships is one of my biggest  priorities. I've been too nonchalant about making friends here and it's starting to take a serious toll on my morale. I have an unhealthy habit of over romanticizing the relationships I have with my friends and I'm putting a stop to that. The loyalty, love, and respect will never go away but truth be told- we've all changed and to expect the same level of attention and selflessness from them is just unrealistic. I acknowledge what they've done for me and I appreciate all of it immensely, but I can't hold on to that false sense of security any longer. It just hinders me from creating ties with other people because the exaggerated bond pales in comparison to any new relationship. And that is just unfair as fuck.


2015 is going to be spent reevaluating what THIS girl needs in her life instead of running amuck and rebelling against what she knows and believes is true. I spent the last year going with the flow so much that I sort of forgot what my values are. I realized this about a month ago and I've been working on getting a grip on it all. I have confidence that I'll find my way soon enough.

This year, as I'm sitting around a few good friends feeling fat and guilty as all hell from eating your typical Thanksgiving foods, I've come to peace that it has all changed and it's ok. It's such a dramatic difference from last year's Thanksgiving but I'm determined to embrace the changes and allow myself to change along with it.

Sure, I'll miss the drunken debauchery and the insane vulgarity but who's to say that I won't be able to fill that void in the future? Who's to say that I won't be able to find a whole other gang of misfits just as broken and just as awesome? Each one of my pretty little birdies have found their way without me and it's time that I find my way without them.




To be thankful for everything and everyone thus far, is an understatement. I am blown away at the experiences I've lived through and I'm excited to see what else may come. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving celebration with your friends and family. Enjoy the rest of this beautiful season and until next time, much love!

CrisM

Monday, November 10, 2014

It's like pulling teeth

My days are so ridiculously chaotic that I really don't know how I remember to feed myself half the time. I've been trying to update this blog for weeks and every single time I sit down to write, something else requires my immediate attention. It's almost like I shouldn't be writing anymore at all.

So to ease back into the #bloggerlife, I've decided that as I'm lying here in bed- I'm just going to write. I'm not going to try to put any significant content in this post because for fuck's sake, I just need to post something.

Here is a super quick recap of what's been going on since the last post. I am six weeks in for this fall quarter and it's truly been a blur. I think my Purchasing class is a crock of shit, my Food and Bev class is interesting but the most captivating aspect is my instructor. He's a wine importer and a proper man. I enjoy his lecture style and his plethora of information that he so willingly shares. He's also a scientist so the viticulture lectures draw me in like hypnosis. My third management class is held on the main campus which is irritating because of the gaggle of weirdos that I have to be around. The content of the class is redundant but thankfully my instructor is entertaining. Finally, my kitchen class- it's World Cuisine this quarter and I'm still unsure of how I feel about it. I feel challenged when it comes to the academic portion but as far as lab (the actual cooking) I'm once again left unsatisfied.

Speaking of unsatisfied... haha
My poor ass excuse of a social life has taken a major plummet. As if it could get any worse?!? It sure as shit did. During the summer. I made a few friends and it was awesome getting to hang out with people on the rare occasion that I had an hour or two to spare in between classes and homework. The casual dating scene was cool for a minute, but I'm just not really into it. I think the random hook up situation is best left for the birds.

I met a guy- he's quite charming. And that's all I'm going to say on that.

Seattle has gone full force into the epitome of fall. Cold, dark, and rainy for days on end. It's been lovely. I've been able to dance in the rain just a handful of times. One of those nights, I think I almost fell in love. I ran out into the pouring rain and couldn't stop giggling because I was just so happy. When I realized that he was still standing there on the porch, watching me with a little amused smile on his face, the look of acceptance he gave me sent shivers down my spine. He's never seen me like that, carefree and playful. He said he loved the sound of my laugh that night- he said he's never heard a more genuine laugh ever before in his life. And it was sweet because in that moment I was actually genuinely happy. I haven't been able to "let my hair down" with anyone for quite some time now and it felt wonderful to do that with someone who actually noticed and appreciated it.

And now it is time to post this so I can go hit the hay.
I hope you have a wonderful Monday. If you get bored of all the words, hop on over to my IG page and check out some pics.

Until next time, much love,
CrisM

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

When you know, you just KNOW

Good Morning,

It's almost 8am on this wonderfully foggy Tuesday morning in Seattle. I've been awake since 4am and it's not exactly my ideal situation. I've just started my fall quarter in culinary school and I should be standing in a hot kitchen preparing seven different sides to accompany three very different main dishes. But I'm not... I'm sitting in my living room, listening to a little bit of Highway Evangelism, and steeping some coffee in my French Press.

The disappointment from my team mates was a little bit of a sting when I made the announcement that I would be dropping the class as soon as the Chef finished his lecture. But, they're good people- they'll get over my decision to drop out of the class. You know, once they wake up or their caffeine kicks in, standing in the dish pit like zombies, or on the walk to south campus for our 1230 management class this afternoon.

I think one of the most important things about the college experience is not only to challenge yourself, but to understand what kind of student you are and to exercise the discipline necessary to be successful. This situation is not permanent, that's kind of brilliant. The long days, hours of homework, drama of clashing team members, burns, bruises, and balancing work and school- it's all a lot of stuff to deal with.

For me, I'm the kind of student who strives for as close to perfection as possible. This is MY education, my learning experience, my passion. There are things that I have to do to get this degree and a few of these requirements are not exactly my cup of tea. For those scenarios that I cannot directly control (sitting through college Algebra, or writing a thesis for English Composition), I am capable of sucking it up and just doing it.

However, I am a stickler for the parts of my education that I can control. I can control my schedule and the lab classes I enroll in. Cooking is my passion and if I were to follow the masses and put myself in a situation where I'm unhappy in the kitchen, then what is the point? I want every quarter to be as enjoyable as possible. This quarter the main focus is on knocking out the management (lecture) classes that will help me set a good foundation for running the business side of a kitchen. But because this is CULINARY school, it is ideal to also be in a kitchen setting to coincide with the literature that I'm studying.

My Mondays this quarter are all about sustainable purchasing and cost control. Breaking down menus into sub recipes and crunching numbers to figure out how much revenue is needed to sustain a business. I mean, this is important stuff! This is taking investor's money and being responsible for employees' salaries all while making sure the customers are receiving high quality food that is properly acquired and safely produced. I'm sitting in lecture classes for 9 hours, just working with numbers, and importing, exporting, wholesale, retail, food, beverage operations, etc. I don't know if that sounds like fun to you guys, but it's satisfying to be accurate (down to the penny) in regards to knowing the ins and outs of operating a business in the food industry.

With all that being said, to start my Tuesday morning at 4am means that I am taking away from my ability to successfully operate as a human. Haha. After I got home at 5pm yesterday evening, I prepared dinner and started on my homework assignments. There is a lot of research that goes into cost control, sustainability, purchasing, and basic accounting (thank you Excel). So much so, that I didn't finish my homework until almost 10pm. Then I had to prep for Tuesday classes. Lab then lecture- I already knew as I was going over all my recipes last night (that I have already researched and studied over the weekend) that this wasn't going to be optimal for my education.

I made the decision last night to drop this class but to be sure, I went to class this morning anyway. I wanted to validate my decision by showing up and taking in the experience of standing there, with my low energy level (I went to the gym at 4:30am this morning) and to see how much I could actually pay attention. I zoned out about 30 times in the 20 minutes the chef was going over how this course was going to play out. The responsibilities as a student chef during this particular course at 0630 in the morning, are more than I'm able to commit to.

This chef is right up my alley though. He's firm, clear about his expectations, and means business. At 0630 after my Monday schedule- I know that I'm not ready to tackle this monster just yet. So, when you know..... you just know. And I know without a doubt that postponing this class is the right move for me. It's not a cop out or a lack of motivation, it's simply knowing what kind of student I am and exercising my discipline to ensure my overall success.

Now, coffee is ready- there are mad amounts of dishes that need my attention and contracts that must be drawn up for work. All of which would have been done into the wee hours of Wednesday morning had I made the poor decision to stay in my lab class this morning.

I hope everyone's start of fall is as wonderful as a giant soy pumpkin spice latte. Until next time, hugs and kisses.

-CrisM

Thursday, September 4, 2014

To my Best Friend, on our would-have-been 10th anniversary

My Dearest L, 

It’s September 4th, quarter past midnight. Ten years ago on this day, we were two eager and in love teenagers dealing with the gross humidity of San Antonio. You were at Medina, and I was sleeping on a very worn in bed at Papa’s house. My heart was racing because I knew that when the morning came, I would be able to hold your hand as we promised each other to spend the rest of our days together. I wasn’t afraid though. I had zero doubts about us. I was utterly certain you were the person I wanted to grow old with. Do you remember how I fell in love with the smell of yellow roses that morning? I remember how uncomfortable you felt in your blues, but my goodness you looked so handsome. I remember sitting in the passenger’s seat of the Alero, and thinking to myself how lucky I am to have earned your love. And how excited I was to start our crazy adventures. Ha! Little did we know our life would be one hell of a wild ride. Even at 18, I knew I was the luckiest girl in the world because you picked me. 

You have grown into the most incredible man I have ever known. From your tech school graduation through all your promotions; your countless TDYs and handful of life changing deployments, you have conquered every obstacle thrown your way with humility. As busy as you’ve been with work, taking time to maintain your individuality, family drama, friend drama, cars, cats, all my career changes, and moving six times between three counties and four states, I never once felt out of place because you were my home. My rock. You have always made sure I was properly taken care of. You have kept every single promise since we were 16, and I have always admired that about you. Words cannot express my appreciation and gratitude for everything you’ve done for me and for us. 

This last year has been interesting to say the least. You and I have gone through some serious shit since we decided to split. But because of the man you are, I still have zero doubts about us. We were best friends for so many years and I believe we will remain close until the day we die. Growing old with you is still a reality- we’re just accomplishing that a little differently than we originally planned. Which is ok.

My wish for you on this day, and every year that follows, is that you are filled with the kind of happy memories from our beautiful story to propel you to give love another chance. The way you’ve loved me for so many years brings tears to my eyes because it would be a shame if you don’t ever share that side of you with somebody else. The sparkle in your baby blues when you’re in love is pure bliss and I’ll never forget what that looks like. And I’ll always remain grateful that you gave me the chance to be your wife. 

With all my love, today and always,

C

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

50 Shades of CrisM

I love sunglasses. I count on them.
I don't feel complete without a pair of shades regardless of whether the sun is actually out or not.
But that's not technically what this post is about. 
Let's talk about sex, Baby.
I'm not making any excuses or playing that double standard card. 
I make no apologies for handling my business this way
and any other single lady who has had her heart ripped to bits shouldn't apologize either.
Here are 50 random thoughts, revelations, and down right ridiculous beliefs
 when it comes to being a single lady running amuck in Sunny Seattle. 

About me:
  1. Unless we are in an exclusive relationship, which I assure you- we're not, stick to your designated day. Do not call me on Sunday, when you know that you are Thursday night's entertainment.
  2. I mean business when I say, "you're off the hook" so don't read into it- just count your wins, cut your losses, and move on.
  3. PDA- gross. I'm not into it so if that's your thing- move on.
  4. Fresh flowers, yea, I like them. But if you bring them to me with preconceived notions about what that can get you- you are dead wrong. Alls it gets you is a super grateful thank you and possibly a hug. But no promises on the hug. PDA. Gross.
  5. I have never been more honest about my intentions ever before in my life. Please listen carefully when I say shit. It's for your own good.
  6. Don't linger after the fact. It's so annoying. If I want you to stay, I'll state it. Otherwise, get your shit and go!
  7. If you manage to stay for breakfast, let me cook. I'm a gd chef for crying out loud. Just stay in bed and let me do my thing. I promise, you won't impress me or melt my heart for trying. 
  8. After breakfast, don't linger. It's so annoying. If I want you to stay, I'll state it. Otherwise, get your shit and go! 
  9. Seriously, take points 6, 7, and 8 to heart. It's insane that I have to say that more than once.
  10. In case I wasn't clear the first 3 times, DO NOT LINGER AT MY PLACE. It's annoying. I have a schedule that I stick to. Please don't make it awkward. Just get your shit and go!
  11. I'm like a ninja. I will never leave anything of mine at your place. Ever. 
  12. Return the favor, and don't leave any of your stuff at mine.
  13. Drive. Whether it's your car or mine, just be nice and drive us places.
  14. Don't get upset when I have to go. Whining will make me not ever want to see you again.
  15. My closest friends are dudes. Don't ask to meet them. They won't like you. 
  16. I don't ask questions about your past. It doesn't concern me.
  17. On that note, if you have real questions for me about my past, I reserve the right to answer. You are allowed to ask them, but 9 times out of 10, my answer will not satisfy your curiosity.
  18. When we're together doing stuff you'll have my full attention. I promise.
  19. If we're not together and I say "I'm busy"- do not blow up my phone. 
  20. Pet names are as enduring as nails to a chalk board. If you have to call me something other than my name, do it when I'm not around.

About you:
  1. I'm all for just doing "whatever" but if I have to make all the gd decisions about our activities more than twice in a row, I'll probably never want to hang out with you again.
  2. If you order white wine without it accompanying some gnarly seafood dish, I will make fun of your #basic behavior.
  3. Your jeans should not be tighter than mine.
  4. I like strong men who like strong women. I'm not a damsel in destress, I'm not helpless, nor do I need you to puff out your chest when another dude hits on me. 
  5. When girls hit on you in my presence- I take it as a compliment. When you hit on girls in my presence, it better be because you're trying to get us free drinks.
  6. Don't suggest watching a horror movie with me. It's a bad idea for both of us. I'll think you're an asshole for trying to force me to do something I don't want to do. And you'll think I'm a bitch for calling you an asshole.
  7. Don't call me a bitch. Don't call me crazy. Don't call me high maintenance or a princess. I'm not a bitch, I just don't take shit from anyone. I'm not crazy, I just don't take shit from anyone. You don't maintain me or my lifestyle, so you have no right to judge. Keep your observations to yourself.
  8. Smile when you send me a selfie. It's weird to get a pissed off mug with the caption "just thinking about you..." like what the hell?! 
  9. If you send me a dick pic, I will forward them to all my friends. And they will forward it to all their friends. Lesson being: Don't send me a dick pic.
  10. I really do like getting pictures, especially if you're out doing fun stuff. Keep that in mind when you're out doing fun stuff. Then remember it the next time we're hanging out and take me to do those things.
  11. Don't you ever talk shit about your family. I don't care how screwed up it is- I'm not interested in hearing about your family drama. Chances are, we're not close enough to get that deep so if you feel comfortable enough to unload all this shit on my ears, you'll never hear from me ever again.
  12. Don't talk shit about your ex girlfriends. That shit is in the past and it doesn't concern me. Be a man, suck that shit up, and don't punish me for her behavior.
  13. If you're super close with your family, I'll know. And I'll think it's adorable. 
  14. Please do me favor, don't order my food when we go out to dinner. 
  15. Giving me any kind of gift is sweet and I really do appreciate it. But please, for the love of Christ- if you're going to buy me jewelry, please take note of the kind of jewelry I'm into. 
  16. You need to have your own set of friends that you do stuff with. Without me.
  17. Have a real job. Own a reliable vehicle. Pay your rent on time. Do your laundry. Eat off of real plates. And keep your grooming standards high. Nothing is more attractive to me than a man who has his shit on lock.
  18. Taylor made suits. Have those. At least one really good quality three piece. 
  19. If you are a terrible dancer, that's ok by me. But when we party and I want to dance don't freak out when I'm getting jiggy wit it on the dance floor with some jabbawockee. 
  20. If you do dance, let's fucken dance!

About "us": 
  1. I try to keep things as simple as possible. My only request is that you recognize that and reciprocate. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. 
  2. I live in a really nice neighborhood and I'm rather friendly. If we are kicking it at my place, be nice to my neighbors. I promise, when we're at your place- I'll do the same.
  3. The thing with me is that I'm crystal clear about my level of interest. You will never have to guess how I feel about you. That being said, when I say "I'm done." Please for the love of Jesus- do not try to win me back. It will not work.
  4. When you feel like you're done, there will be no hard feelings. Just be clear about your decision, state it, and stick with it. If you "break up" with me and then text me two weeks later, I will most likely make fun of you with my friends.
  5. The thing is, when you see me out and about with someone else you have two options: a.) casually say hello and quickly carry on, or b.) ignore me completely. Both are acceptable. You do not have the option to mean mug me and whomever I'm with, text me bullshit messages about playing you, or try to conduct a dick measuring contest about who I like more. 
  6. On that note, if you're that person that I'm out and about with and we run into a friend, your options are a.) politely say hello and excuse yourself, or b.) politely say hello and introduce yourself. You do not have the option to show off, be rude, or bow up. 
  7. When we see your friends out and about, I will always politely say hello and excuse myself. Do not introduce me to your friends. 
  8. Do not introduce me to your family.
  9. Do not ask me to watch your dog, feed your cat, or check your mail. I'm not your girlfriend.
  10. Discretion. Be classy and a gentleman about things. What we do is between us, and us alone. Unless, of course you send me a dick pic. Then that shit is going all over the internets. Freak.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

First quarter of college and what I've learned about myself

It's day 3 of Summer break (and the first real day of Summer in general) in sunny Seattle. It's been a very rejuvenating weekend for me already. My first priority when summer break came was to catch up on sleep. I haven't left my bed in three days. Well, besides to eat- which I promptly returned to bed right after. I would have eaten in bed, except my bed is all white and that would be dumb.

My intention for this post is to highlight some points throughout the last 11 weeks of culinary school that really helped me discover some things about myself.

Discovery point number 1: I am a terrible procrastinator. I have always been a star student. I have always liked school. So it was very interesting to find out that I procrastinate like the best of them. The whole idea of "working best under pressure" is a total lie in my case. I do not work well under pressure. I mean, sure- my research papers and big projects all came out with outstanding grades but the stress from cramming nights on end is just not worth it. In a real working environment, I can handle deadlines and that kind of stress like nothing but when it comes to self motivating, like behind closed doors- I pretty much fall apart. It's not the best color on me.

Discovery point number 2: I should not multi-task. I say this with a little reluctance. I know for a fact that I'm super rad at multi-tasking. I'm rather organized as is, but multi-tasking in a procrastinator's mind set is disastrous! I've learned that I should tackle one assignment at a time because it is so easy to have one class bleed into the others and it makes me sound like a crazy person. I was writing a research paper about the use of mind-altering substances and their effects of the music listening experience and all of a sudden I'm writing about fucken velvety smoothness of cream soups... and what defines a good quality fish stock. A lot of editing had to happen to get that paper back on track.

Discovery point number 3: Boys are the devil.  Let me explain: I am a text book Leo Lady. I am a ridiculously confident elitist who absolutely loves attention. I don't need the attention, and to be honest it sort of is irritating when it comes at me from 900 billion directions (slight exaggeration). I like the attention to come from ONE genuine source and college guys (and these Seattle men in general) sort of cheapen the idea because it's like they give me attention just because I'm a female? But what I've discovered is that they (as a collective) give the attention not because they're truly interested in me- they do it to get my attention in return. First off- gross. I've actually been called an uptight bitch because I refused to give into the advances of these boys. So, sure- I'm "uptight" because my only focus is school. But to call me a "Bitch" ok- a little harsh but again, I'm not going to apologize for not being interested in wasting time with some random hook up. That's not who I am. So "fuck you."

Discovery point number 4: College is exhausting. Full time college student can be rough. I think for me, the reason why it was so exhausting both mentally and physically is because I can't seem to just do the bare minimum. This is also why I cram for hours on end and haven't crawled into bed any earlier than 2am for the past 11 weeks. It's not a bad thing, but I wish they would have warned me during orientation. "Sleep as much as you can before school starts- because you won't get much until your next break." That is solid advice.

Discovery point number 5: The instructors are people too. Perhaps I lucked out? But I went in with the mindset that the instructors were going to be uptight DBags who didn't give two fucks about me as an individual. But boy, was I totally wrong. I appreciate that I was able to converse with my instructors in a fashion that was rather enjoyable. While in class, they were my instructors- I was there to gain information and knowledge which they all shared very well. But after hours, they were all able to pull off their chef's hats and be normal people. Who like to drink and talk smack about people and shit they've experienced at the concerts they attended over the weekend. It was nice to see that they are professional yet also able to be down to earth. Much respect.

Discovery point number 6: Trusting my judgement. I tend to over think many things. It's the control freak in me that prevents me from just letting things run their course. But, this past quarter I definitely learned to just go with my gut. About school, about people, about myself. I think this was the most significant lesson I've learned thus far. Husband always had such a knack for reading people and situations and I relied on that for so many years when it came to making my own decisions. I didn't think I had it in me to make good judgement calls on my own because I never really had to. But, I've learned that I'm able to sift through the bullshit and come out on the other side better for it.

All in all- first quarter was a success! I've made a handful of good friends, established a great rapport with my instructors, and started to really feel like I'm doing something good for myself. I'm grateful for the rest of break (my friend only gets like 3 days off between quarters, I got three weeks!) I've got a couple concerts that I want to check out- not exactly like concert week, but I'll take what I can get. And I'm actually excited about next quarter so that's awesome.

I hope your summer kicked off well, and until next time... Much love!
-CrisM

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

When letting go means more than just moving on

Break ups can be one of the toughest things we deal with as adults. Especially when that break up is between best friends, soul mates even. It's one thing to dissolve a marriage based on logical and mutual decisions, but a whole other slew of difficulties when letting go of an irreplaceable friendship.

The truth is people change. No matter how you feel at that moment in time when promises are made the fact is that people change and those promises fall through the cracks. Perhaps it's due to all kinds of outside and uncontrollable circumstances like chaotic schedules, opposite time zones, pure exhaustion from just living life... but truly, it boils down to the simple lack of trying. Which is so sad.

There has to be more than just the desire to remain in each others' lives. Staying friends after the fact has such a low success rate because people often (and quickly) forget that just because you are no longer together (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.) doesn't mean that their value and importance changes. I still value my best friend like the most precious gem on earth. Because he really is. To me, he will always be my alpha, my rock, the one person who I believe I've connected with in a way that is unmatched by everyone else in my life.

Am I still in love with him? No. Am I holding onto the possibility of getting back together? No. The decision to go our separate ways was not hasty. We thought every. single. thing. through, over and over again for a very long time. In the end we split with nothing but well wishes for each other and we truly were happy about the decision.

But, because this is MY blog and only my side of the story it seems as though the way I speak about Husband confuses people. The fact that I still call him "Husband" confuses people since he has not been my husband for quite some time now. The truth is- I've accepted the divorce. I've accepted the new lives we now live. I've accepted that I am no longer be his number one priority. But, that doesn't change the fact that this man has been such a huge and positive influence in my life. A lot about who I am and all the success I've had in life is due in part to him and his support. His value to me doesn't change just because our titles have.

This is a one sided view on the matter because I haven't had the opportunity to speak to Husband in several weeks now. That is the most heart breaking part- we promised that we would stay active in each others' lives. But, with school and work, and trying to find a way to stand on my own feet without riding the coat tails of his reputation our schedules have just gotten completely out of sync. The more time that goes by without us talking, the easier it is to forget to keep in touch...

My biggest fear is that huge advances in our careers are happening and it'll be swept under the rug because we've just lost touch. I know what I mean to Husband. I know that he holds me in high regard and his love for me will never end. But, as my best friend- something he was before we started dating, it's disappointing that I can't share the significant things in my life with him just because we are "too busy."

The thought of dating someone scares me. I don't know how to date and to be honest I'm not remotely interested in it. Right now. Husband, however, seems to have figured out a way to jump right back on the saddle. My feelings on it are truly positive and I'm excited for him. I was afraid that he would shut out the possibility of ever falling in love again. But, I'm glad to see that he is doing well and actively pursuing new experiences for himself. Perhaps that is why I have no choice but to let go.

I have no choice but to let go of the man I thought I know better than anyone else. I have to let go of my best friend so that he can become someone else's alpha, someone else's rock. I have moved on from the relationship. I have moved on from that fairy tale lifestyle he so willingly provided for me for well over a decade. I have accepted that my life is in my hands and whether I fail or succeed, it is only on me. What I  didn't realize though, is that I wasn't ready to let go of my best friend.

This isn't a pity party post. I thought I was someone important to him. I gave my all to him, to our marriage, and for many years I supported and encouraged him to follow his dreams. I can no longer do that for him. I would have loved to grow old and one day sit on a porch some where and share in all my life's ups and downs with my best friend. But he has given me no choice but to let go, completely and without regret, forever. Letting him go means letting go of so many pieces of who I am. But it's time... I must breathe deep, close my eyes and let the memory of him blow away in the wind.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Learning how to: College, the artsy kind

This is my first week of a legit college experience and let me tell you, it feels great! I'm sure as the semester goes along, my attitude will vary but as of right now I'm riding this high for as long as I can. The weather is so-so, which I believe plays a huge part in how I classify the success of the day. Day one, was bright and sunny and we even had class outside in a park not too far from school. Day 2, was a bit more on the dry and technical side as far as academics goes plus it was dark and raining. But today, again, it's bright and sunny and I get to play in the kitchen all night. So far, so good!

I was a tad bit afraid of how I would come across to my peers because I can be very dark with my humor and some would even say inappropriate. But, I've learned from a dear friend (Cham Cham) that as long as I say it with a smile, I can probably get away with it. Haha! He's got a valid point though and I know this now from personal experience.

You know how in high school you tend to gravitate towards those just like you? You form cliques and little adolescent gangs of carbon copies and think "Hey, I'm rad because everyone I hang out with thinks so too?" Well, in my high school experience, I was definitely not that girl. I applied myself vigorously in high school. I studied hard, always did my homework, showed up on time and I even dressed the part. I'm talking business suits and a damn soft leather briefcase. But the people I hung out with were so not like that.

First off, I was raised by boys. I'm talking the kind of boys who ride dirt bikes, played with guns in the jungle, drank beer and smoked weed. I don't have any biological sisters so I never had a Barbie Doll, played dress up, or had slumber parties with caboodles and pictures of pop stars plastered around my room. To be honest, I didn't even have my own room until I was in high school and my brothers moved away. So, I don't necessarily know how to naturally play well with girls.

This is the foundation of the kind of girl I am. I am comfortable around that kind of masculine environment. It sounds so slutty to say "Oh, I only have male friends." But it's primarily true in my case. As a disclosure, I do have a handful of amazing women in my life. These women are the kind of women who also have a very unique background. But what I think is most common among my very few girlfriends is that they are all intelligent and open minded. Which, I like to be believe rings true for myself.

Anyway, so my first day of college I have a lecture class. Basically, we sit in groups and discuss topics that don't necessarily have a right or wrong answer. I always get nervous in this kind of environment because, assessing the line up of potential team mates I can already spot the clusters that are so stereotypical of a high school clique. Given that I am enrolled in an Art School, I thought that my peers would surprise me and link up with other students unlike themselves. As it turns out, I was wrong. All the girls in Fashion linked up, all the music dudes linked up, all the nerdy (and I say this with admiration) gamer kinds huddled in the corner. And BOOM- there I am, standing alone, off to the side and perfectly content with it.

To my surprise, a flock of varied guys who don't necessarily visually fit in to the other groups start making their way towards me. Aha! I have assembled my sweet gang of misfits, without even trying. I like it already. Now, maybe there is some sort of invisible beacon that sends out a signal to other military related people because the one thing we all have in common is just that- the military. There is NOTHING about myself that screams military anything so I think it's interesting that I find myself surrounded by these types pretty frequently. But, to be honest I don't mind these particular guys. They all have a pretty well rounded idea of life and how to "go with the flow" yet still maintain who they are and what they believe. I like that we had an unbelievably deep conversation and no body got heated to the point where punches were thrown. Again, I like. Strong personalities yet the ability to keep an open mind and accept the idea that we can disagree without being dicks to one another. And I just had an epiphany- I AM in a clique, technically. Damn it! Hahaha, oh well.

Day two. I'm in a class full of culinary students. This is where I feel more at ease. Although, I was under the assumption that once again when we break off into groups the military folks will somehow smell it on me and come my way. But to stop that from happening, I was proactive this time. I sought out someone who I knew without a doubt had no military affiliation and started up a conversation. We don't have much in common which makes for a very interesting partner. I get to learn all kinds of new perspectives from her and I hope I get to teach her a thing or two myself. And yes, I purposely chose a girl. Going against the grain here- it's what I want most out of college, at least socially.

At the end of the night, I was bidding my farewells to a rockstar group. The two military dudes in my class did eventually find me, they're cool though and the others I'm content with. They have great life stories, great life ambitions, pretty similar sense of humor, and they all seem to have a willingness to be open minded.

What I've learned about myself so far is that even though my life has not really been this structured in a long time, I immediately fell right back into the mindset I had in high school. I do not procrastinate (something I prepared to battle with for the first couple semesters), I read with excitement (even though reading 90+ pages on resume building and cover letter etiquette makes me want to kill myself), and I knock out homework on the same day. I was skeptical about how I would readjust to college life but so far, I'm functioning off of muscle memory and if history repeats itself- I will be on that Dean's list in no time!

More to come as the weeks unfold. I hope you stick with me on this journey. Until next time, have an amazing day.

Hugs,
CrisM

Daily Nugget: When you actively pursue your passion, there is a glow that emits from within. You might not think anything of it, but be careful because this glow can be very attractive to people. Don't lose focus of your objectives just because you're getting more attention than you're used to. And also, floss.

Friday, April 4, 2014

March Favorites

March Faves!
My ode to NYX Cosmetics


Face: This is incredible. I have used this product on the daily and it keeps my makeup in place, all day long and looking fresh. I've been rained on, I've had the sun beat down on me, I've been kept captive in a fluorescent room for hours, and nothing melts off my face when I use this little guy.

Eyes: Love in Paris palette in "Pardon my French" I love these colors so much! I went to Phoenix a couple weeks ago and this was the only eyeshadow palette I brought with me. I can achieve really chill, natural looks as well as more bold and dramatic. It's super pigmented (something very consistent with NYX) and although there are more shimmery/glittery shades, I enjoy it because it is spring time and I feel sparkly eyes are ok even for those of us pushing 30. 
Lips: The soft matte lip cream has been my go to this past March. There was something weird about the formula when I tried it a couple years back that I didn't like. Or perhaps it was the color, but I've been reaching for this on the reg. I love love love the color Milan, it's a great cool pink that is like a "my lips but much much better" shade that works well with the golds and browns I've been using for my eyes.

Body: St. Tropez has always been on my radar, thanks to Kandee Johnson. But, I'm naturally pretty tan so I never really went crazy with the self tanners. I mean, I'll use it every now and again during the winter months if I'm going to be rocking a dress or something but lately this bronzing mousse has been in heavy rotation. Unlike other self tanners, this truly does keep me bronzed instead of slightly orange.

As far as hair, nails, and clothing are concerned- I didn't really see a pattern that constitutes a favorite for this month. I haven't really done anything differently with my hair, just wash and let air dry for a shaggy long bob kind of thing. Nails, varied throughout the month- I just did a lot of pastel colors for spring, but no favorite. And clothing, well, I was bouncing back and forth between Seattle and Phoenix weather so again- nothing that qualifies as a favorite for the month of March.

Music: As much as I hate to admit it- I've been listening to a shit ton of reggae dub step this month. I mean, I'm not actively sitting around and b-boppin' to it, I just would throw it on while I'm getting ready or cooking. This is all Hufflepuff's fault.


Food: I think the only food that I've consistently been eating has to be fish. Like sushi Friday's. Because it's lent season and in Catholicism, we don't eat meat on Fridays. So that sort of just became my food for the month. Lots of mahi, tilapia, cod, salmon, tuna. Boosh.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

My new (creepy) hobby

Let me set the scene for you lovely readers.

Right now, I'm sitting in a bar and it's the middle of the night on this glorious and cold Saturday. I'm having some grub before heading to a show. 

I inadvertently chose a spot next to a couple.  Tonight is their first date. I know this because for the past half hour they have been talking about the basics. You know, "where you're from", "siblings", "college experiences", "life goals", "most awesome vacation", etc. 

So in between bites of this delicious bbq chicken sandwich, I try to hide my giggles to their conversation by taking 900 sips a second of my San Pelligrino. It's working so far. But I have to wrap this up quickly since I've been nursing this sandwich for almost an hour and it's starting to look weird. 

How completely awkward this whole situation would be for me. I have been listening intently on his responses because he's trying so hard to come off as a cool, hip, badass. And she's trying to project this hard core, high speed, kind of badass chick who can totally hang with the dudes. They are both not badass by any stretch of the imagination. Even for common folk. 

This "fly in the wall" experience has traumatized me. I will never go on a legit date for as long as I live. I would have tapped out on minute 6 of this date if I were her. First off he chose to wear a tomato red polo and khakis. On a first date. At a bar. 

Not saying that I'm so vain where I would immediately dismiss someone based off of what he was wearing. However, within 10 minutes he no shit started talking about wizards and then followed it up with video games and the hard knock life of a fraternity. He's seen his roommate naked. "It gets crazy." Apparently. 

Now the girl, I groove on her. She takes her time in responding and it seems like she is really into him. She's only laughed a handful of times though and he's been prefacing many of his anecdotes with "let me tell you something super funny..." She fake laughed every single time. I, however, real laughed. But since I've been clicking away on this here smartphone it seems as though I'm having a super comical convo with a friend. Which I am not...

Anyway, I'm done eating and now I have to go to the bathroom. 2 liters of acqua frizzante will do that to a girl. But, I've enjoyed myself so much that now this is what I will do to pass the time before I have to go out and do things. And I will write all about it.

Just for your information. He works at a restaurant and she is a bartender. They are both new to the area. She has no siblings and he has a bunch of brothers. I'm guessing he's talking about his fraternity brothers. He talked about those guys a lot. And how he can knock back tequila like it's going out of style... Life goals for the both of them are the same which I think is promising. Get a good job where they can both travel to exotic places like Florida and Alaska. They no shit said exotic and Florida in the same sentence. Haha they crack me up.

God, I miss my friends.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Behind the Blog

Here are the final 8 days of Fat Mum Slim's Photo a day challenge prompts. 


Today, the prompt was "reflection". To be honest I've had one hell of a shit day and I just didn't feel like taking a picture of my reflection. Simply because the image would reflect either a really sad face or this one... my signature 'bitch' face. Sorry friends. I tried to crack a smile but it was so fake that it just upset me even more. BTW- I'm holding Too Faced Chocolate Soleil bronzer and it is amazing. Not only does it smell like chocolate, but it tastes like it too. I discovered this by accident. 

Day 27: My view from the rooftop. Looking over Elliot Bay and into downtown Seattle. 

Day 26: I was supposed to take a picture of "light" and it just so happened that I was sitting in rush hour traffic on the way to the east side to hang with some friends and I look up and see this thing. It illuminates bright orange at night time but such a lucky shot either way. 

Day 25: The prompt was "cut" and I don't have enough hair to get another hair cut. I already had food cooked, so I wasn't going to be cutting veggies or anything. And I sure as shit was not about to get all emo and cut my wrists for the sake of "art" so I did a word play. My caption was "Cut the shit, Clouds." Because the sun finally came out of hiding after 18 straight days of rain but the clouds kept blocking the rays.

Day 24: Half was the prompt. I did a quick sketch and wrote out a little snippet on the other side of her face but decided to just not reveal all that much about my current state of reflection on that day. 

Day 23: This is where I relax. It was a super lazy Sunday. Did absolutely nothing until 6pm. And all I did was put pants on and drive 20 minutes across the bridge to the east side to go grocery shopping for a shit ton of chicken and turkey, and coffee. And beer. 

Day 22: It was weird and discouraging to try to capture an "act of kindness" so I was about to skip that day. But, I was hanging out with a friend and he totally surprised me with this sweet little treat. It was a very delicious chocolate filled and dipped fig from Fran's chocolates. What are the odds???

Day 21: I love to read. But, usually I go for more captivating stories. However, I was pleasantly surprised with Mindy's book. It is funny (prompt for the day) because I can relate to her on several levels. 

Well, that wraps it up for this month's photo challenge. Hope you enjoyed the pics. And if you are not following me on Instagram yet- you totally should! 

Daily Nugget: When you're really pissed off about something, give yourself a little bit of time to process it before making a move. Thinking logically in a state of utter rage is one of the most challenging things I've ever had to do. Do not tarnish your character simply because you think the only way to cope is to do something just as disgusting. You're better than that and today proved that so am I.