Thursday, July 25, 2013

Sing me a lullaby

I've been battling a little bout of homesickness for close to a month now. 

The OED defines homesickness as "a feeling one has when missing home. Feelings of longing are often accompanied by anxiety and depression. These symptoms may range from mild to severe."

I have lived all over the world and have visited many amazing places. I travel frequently because it really is one of my greatest pleasures in life. I have roots on Guam because I was born and raised there but I don't really have a strong connection to the place. I do not desire to return to the island unless it's for a very very very brief visit. Once I actually go to a new place, I hardly ever feel the need to go back. I like constant forward movement. There is so much to see that I do not want to waste my short time here on places I've already seen. Do it and move on, I say.

When I think of "home" it is usually exactly where I am at that very moment. It is a mindset I put myself in to emit stability, to funny enough, ward off ever feeling homesick. Insert face palm here. For me right now, my home is a beautiful Italian farm house on the outskirts of a tiny town called Fiume Veneto. I can see the Piancavallo mountain range from my drive way (and Krn in Slovenia on a clear day) and I can smell the ocean just 40 minutes away. I've always wanted to live in Europe so imagine my confusion when I feel "homesick" as I'm sitting on my patio, essentially living out my dream.

The mild depression didn't really settle in until a couple days ago. I woke up in my uber comfortable bed to a bright and sunny summer morning. I felt so displaced, so inexplicably uneasy and pretty upset with myself for it. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy with what I've been blessed with? When did I become so fucken entitled? I sat there in total silence and didn't move for hours...

That night I had an incredible dream. I dreamt of a place unknown to me, a place I now can't stop thinking about. Rain was constant during this dream. I walked leisurely in it basking in the feeling of rain kissing my skin, sat on a lovely porch and just watched it pour down for hours, and I listened to it make tranquil sounds outside of an open bedroom window. I saw myself in the third person a couple times and I seemed happier. 

I think rather than an actual place, I am in fact yearning for a state of being. My soul is searching for something greater, something more stimulating. I think there are big changes in my future and I'm excited for whatever it may be. The anxiety, however, is more than I can bear. I do not know what to expect or how to prepare for it. I get in my car and drive in hopes of getting lost somewhere so I can have a minute to just sit and be still. Hoping that by some divine grace I will be directed to the right path. 

My hope is that by filling my days with the most random activities imaginable, it will either distract me or inspire me. Trying to find the silver lining in what could potentially be a pretty serious depression is very tiresome but I believe it is necessary for me right now. I am a positive enough person to understand that I can't have a rainbow without a little rain. Wish me luck and send me happy thoughts.


  1. You should catch a space A to Dover and we will take care of you.

  2. Haha, if only it were that easy! I think you should catch a Space-A to Aviano and I'll take care of you!