Sunday, September 1, 2013

I've got a dirty little secret...

I'm a pretty open book, 9 times out of 10. The only thing I will not talk about to anyone are the details of my marriage. That is the only sacred thing to me. You can talk to me about every thing else, even your marriage if that's what you're comfortable with. I don't have many boundaries and I don't have an issue with putting a conversation to bed if the content makes me uncomfortable. That's usually when talk about money, religion, or sex gets too personal. Like, don't ask me how much money I have in my bank account or if my husband likes doing such and such... gross and that's none of your business.

So, I've been doing something a little dirty for the past 6 months and it's about time I come clean. And what better way to confess my sinful ways than to exploit it on the good ole Internets? For me, being held accountable for my words is only effective if I make some grand gesture, like a blog confession, otherwise I'll find a way to talk myself out of it. Which truly has the been the case for about 3 months now. I tell myself that "I will stop" but since no body knows about this, when I mess up and do it again, it doesn't matter in my head because I can lie to myself- but I can't lie to you.

You ready? Ok- here it is, here is my dirty little secret: 
"I've been smoking cigarettes, non stop, since March."

Gasp!?! I know right?!  Let me give you some background about smoking and what it means to me. I've been surrounded by smokers my entire life. The two biggest contributors to my smoking exposure are my father, and my late maternal grandmother. My entire life they have smoked and I'm 27 now. My second oldest brother also smoked for a really long time but quit cold turkey a few years ago when our grandmother died... of lung cancer.

Personally, I've only ever dabbled with cigarettes. I'm a social smoker on very rare occasions, or at least I was. My first ever experience with a cigarette was when I stole one from my father, took it to school and tried to smoke it in the girl's bathroom. I didn't actually smoke it because, guess what- I didn't think to steal a lighter! By the way, I was in the fourth grade. I felt terrible. Terrible about stealing, stealing a cigarette of all things, and stealing from my dad mostly. Then I felt dumb, for forgetting the key component to smoking a cigarette. So, I chucked it in toilet and vowed to never speak of it ever again. And I have never told anyone that story until today.

Fast forward to high school, sophomore year. I walked into the girl's bathroom behind the auto shop class and found a few of the popular girls smoking. It smelled incredible, like summer. They were smoking these crazy cool strawberry flavored herbal cigarettes and when they offered me one, I happily joined them. But even then, I wasn't too impressed with it. I mean the buzz was cool and all, but, I also drank in high school. So if I wanted a buzz, I grabbed a little booze from the bar at home and that was that.

These past 6 months of constant smoking has been the longest run I've had with cigarettes. Ever. I don't necessarily know what happened or why I even started smoking this time around. I think because Husband was gone, I was bored and I just wanted something that I could do all by myself. I wanted a dirty little secret. I wanted something that no one else knew about me to just have for myself, if that makes any sense.

You would think that since my grandmother died of lung cancer from 60+ years of smoking, I would have known better. I shouldn't have been ignorant of the danger and damage it does. But the truth is, I just didn't care. I reasoned that because I eat healthy, and I workout daily, and a few cigarettes will not do that much damage, I was in the right- I deserved this guilty pleasure. Normally, when I smoked in the past, it would last for a couple weeks and then I'd get bored of it or the urge to light up would just disappear. I was counting on that to happen this time around. But the sad truth is that it didn't. It only got worse.

I've never considered myself to have an addictive personality. I say that I'm "addicted" to coffee but I can and have gone 4-5 days without it and no withdrawal issues arise. I don't wake up, wigging out for a cup of coffee or anything. The realization that I was starting to become addicted to cigarettes was when I was laying in bed, probably about 1am and I was just craving a smoke. Like sweating... I couldn't think of anything else that I wanted more badly.  I didn't have any here at home so I no shit, got out of bed, threw on whatever dirty gym clothes were on the top of my laundry basket and drove into town to buy a pack from a vending machine. I sat out on the curb and lit up. And then I had a second one. And then a third one, in a matter of 10 minutes. Yea...

I knew that it was starting to get out of control but I still didn't care. This was my only thing! My only thing I wanted. I don't drink- long story short; 21st birthday destroyed my body's ability to process alcohol. So I have to take it super duper easy when I drink now. I don't do drugs because come on, ain't nobody got time for that. I don't eat junk food, I don't gamble, and so I smoke. I smoke cigarettes because I like how it makes me feel. The only negative impact it's had on me is my ability to run. I've always been a bad runner since I've got the lung capacity of a 2 year old but smoking has completely handicapped me when it comes to distance running. Which I was ok with since I dislike running anyway.

But this past week I just got so sick of it. I got sick of seeing myself as this trashy girl, hiding in the corner, smoking her gross cigarettes. If I am not comfortable smoking in front of my friends or my husband, or admitting openly that I smoke- then I shouldn't be doing it in the first place. I'm not proud of it and so I didn't want to own up to it and that is ridiculous. So, I've decided to quit. Once and for all, for good, forever more. NEVER AGAIN will I ever smoke another cigarette for as long as I shall live. (Well, that's the hope anyway...)

By the way, I don't judge those who do smoke. And you shouldn't either. During these past few months that I have been smoking, let me just tell you how incredibly annoying it was when people would judge me about my personal decision to smoke cigarettes. I only ever smoke at home and on the rare occasion that I have smoked in public, I've been very courteous. I literally hide around a corner- far away from people if I'm at a cafe or something and so those run ins I've had were because people went out of their way to let me know that they don't approve of my smoking. That probably contributed to my addiction, I would do it out of spite to the a-holes who would walk right by me OUTSIDE, in an open air environment and fake cough while eyeballing me. Screw you judgemental pricks!

Anyway- that's that. I feel so much  better now. I've let it out and I'm over it. I'm over the secret, I'm over the smoking and I'm pumped because it's September 1, 2013 and it's a Sunday- the first day of the first week of the month and what an awesome day to start something! If you're anything like me and have minor OCD, you can understand how perfect today is for something this grand.

Lately, after an epic post like this I would "reward" myself with a smoke... but since that's not happening anymore, I'm going to take a quick shower and a cat nap- then in 3 short hours I am going to ride a Vespa through Tuscany.

Thanks for stopping by and send me tons of love vibes to keep me on the straight and narrow. Until next time, much love!

CrisM


2 comments:

  1. <3 quitting smoking is one of the hardest things I ever did... But I don't have your strength of will. You will be fine, friend.

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  2. It's week one of not smoking and it's been rough to say the least. The biggest thing I'm battling is the constant exposure to it. It's just what Europeans do- but slowly the temptation will fade, I hope...

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