Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Make no apology

I know that when I speak, sometimes I don't say the nicest things. Sometimes, I say things just for the shock value but to be honest majority of the time, like a good 90% of the time, it is because what I say is how I really see things. Part of the reason why I am this way is because of the people I associate with. I like being around people who are not afraid to state the brute reality of things. I like being around people that are so confident in who they are that speaking their truth, makes no difference in our relationship. I admire people who make no excuses for their flaws. And I especially appreciate people who celebrate their individuality. As bubbly and perpetually cheerful as I am, I have a dark side.  This is an undeniable truth.

As I'm sure many of you can relate to, there are things that have happened in my past that have changed my perception of people. All other things are constant. It is the people in our lives that make the most impact on how we think, how we feel, how we act- if we allow that to happen. This can be a good thing but it's easier to default and blame others for our sadness.

Reflecting on my actions over the past few years and assessing the kind of person I am today, I make no apologies. I am finally at the point in my life when I can truly say that the people I've chosen to keep in my life are the ones that will stand by me, through thick and thin, forever more. It is still a constant challenge to remind myself that although things might not have worked out with so and so, there is a reason why our paths crossed in the first place. It might not always go in my favor, their presence might not have been to enhance my life but perhaps it was for me to show that person how not to be. I am aware of this and I make no apologies for that either.

What I didn't realize until now is that the reason why I am so comfortable with being so damn vulgar and down right mean, is because no matter what- those people, my best friends, my soul sisters, my darling husband- all of them love me, all of me, all my dark, tainted, and broken pieces. I spit a big game about being independent but when it comes down to the cold hard truth, I'm held together by these amazing people.

Perhaps it's just this weather that has me so melancholy. Perhaps it's all the changes that I know are coming my way. Perhaps it's just because I'm a fucken drama queen. In any way, I have made peace with the person I am; the irony of my personality, the challenge that I present to people all around me. I'm not hiding behind a mask any more. And you know what? You shouldn't either.

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