Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Nervous, nauseated, but ready... sort of

There are a multitude of situations that would make many people that I know, nervous. Meeting someone new, speaking to a large crowd, showing off an outfit in the common area of a dressing room, lifting weights in the big boy area at the gym, etc. But something happened to me a few years back when majority of my insecurities just vanished. I felt empowered by this new found confidence. I think it has a lot to do with the idea that I just stopped worrying about what others think of me. Yea, a lot of people say that, but I really mean it. Perhaps, it doesn't even have anything to do with the public's perception of me. All I can say is that once I was content with the kind of person I am, even when I temporarily lose sight of that, I hardly ever get nervous- about anything anymore.

I thought about this for awhile, going over many scenarios that used to make me nervous and it's interesting how none of that makes me remotely uneasy these days. I meet someone new every single day, introducing myself to strangers is probably the easiest thing for me. Friendly banter isn't exactly my forte, but when put in that situation I sometimes baffle myself with the charm that I expel. I don't consider myself a 'charming' person because I like to keep to myself most times. And because I'm rather vulgar, mostly.

One of my best friends has this funny way of interacting with other humans, in say a check out line at a grocery store. Sometimes people will start a friendly back and forth about whatever is in his basket and it is hilarious to me because he doesn't feel like he has to participate that conversation so he won't respond but instead just give them a dead, unmoved stare. I've done this a few times myself and the reaction is very humorous and it is a dick move when I do it but still, funny. People don't know how to react to that. And I can see how uneasy it makes them, to have me just stare at them, totally uninterested, unmoved, uncompelled to say a damn thing to their slightly witty commentary.

I had to dig deep to find something, anything, that rattles my nerves. I came up empty handed for a good week straight. Until today... I was shaken awake this morning by this uncontrollable nausea. I was literally sweating because I was so nervous. I sat up slowly, and pounded a liter of water thinking I was just dehydrated from sleeping. That sort of helped. But as I shuffled my way around the house, trying to make coffee and get my morning started the feeling of being nauseated just intensified. And then it hit me. I have less than 24 hours before Husband comes home. I finally threw up.

Husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 9. We've been through a handful of combat deployments, countless TDYs, and many short leisure trips away from each other. I fully understand how stressed out I get when I'm preparing for him to come home. I think it's important for him to come home to a spotless house, with properly maintained cars, and a home cooked meal ready to be devoured. He's been out working and the last thing he should have to deal with is overflowing laundry baskets, a car that needs it's oil changed, and take out. I'm not going to lie although it is lovely to have him home after constantly being gone for so long, but it's tough. It's a tough transition from being taken care of and then having to do everything on your own and figuring out my own routine and then having another person to consider and compromise with, in just under 24 hours.

This particular deployment has been very interesting for me. This is the first time I've been in a foreign country without him, away from my best friends and my brothers. This is also the first deployment that I wasn't bombarded by the monotony of a 9 to 5. I had to really get creative with how I was going to spend my time while he was away. One of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to military wives' mindset and dealing with deployments is the question of "what are you going to do to stay busy while he's gone?" Stay busy? Um, I'm plenty busy even when he's home- I have a life. I don't just sit at home and wait on him- he's a grown ass man and can take care of himself. Everything that I do for him is because I want to do it not because he expects me to. It wasn't a matter of what I'm going to do to fill the time, it was a matter of choosing how to spend my time here wisely.

Over the course of the last six months I have seen myself go through so many changes. Some good, some not so good. I've adapted a very sporadic lifestyle which is fine when it's just me I have to think about. But I am so nervous because I don't know how Husband is going to react to that. I'm nervous about how long it will take me to get used to having someone sleep beside me again (when he's gone I literally sleep in the dead center of the bed, with all my pillows surrounding me), how to handle hearing "no" for the first time in over 6 months (Husband probably won't be too keen on the idea of driving an hour to the beach at 11pm on a Tuesday night, just for 'fun').

My biggest concern is how he'll take to me. It's just a tough transition for me, and it always is because of the kind of person I am. I can be very stubborn and disgustingly selfish and learning how to give that up will be a challenge. He does try to make the home coming as easy as he can, mimicking how I do my daily stuff until I come around and allow him to change things. Gosh, this is coming off horribly... Listen, he's easy- he makes life so easy for me and I absolutely love that. It's me who's the problem. I want to make home life for him as easy as possible, not knowing what shit he's had to go through while away working. My life without him is full of silly little materialistic things and lavish creature comforts. I throw a fit when things aren't pretty and go exactly my way and Husband is quite frankly, the polar opposite. He is so easy, go with the flow, not worried about the little shit I have conniptions over. Which sounds great, but again, I'm the problem in this non issue.

I just hope I can loosen the reigns quickly for his sake. I have minor control issues... haha, just minor though. =/ This situation that I'm in right now, the hourly countdown, is what makes me truly nervous. Nothing else comes to mind when I think of what makes my heart rapidly pound, profusely sweat from every pore on my body, unable to sit still for a second. He gives me butterflies like no other. I just hope he takes to this different, super random, (once again) blonde CrisM that I am today. I'm definitely not an easy person to love, and it's always scary to face that fact head on. Less than 24 hours people... wish me luck.

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