Ever have one of those days when it seems like everyone is out to piss you off on purpose? To me, it seems like I'm being punished for being so positive all the time. It's days like this when I retreat to my cave (total dude move) and temporarily push people away to keep myself from becoming unravelled.
I'm a happy kitty for goodness sake! I actually do wake up with a smile on my face and my excitement about the day's adventures thrust me into civilization with a major pep in my step. I think my life should be set to music like in the movies.
This is the result of nearly two years of constant practice. I didn't used to be a genuinely happy person. I used to let so many peoples' actions and decisions affect me, to the point where I'd be so angry at so many things that I just stayed angry and it kind of became a defining personality trait.
I can still hear the obvious truth in Huff's voice the night before I jumped on a plane to Italy; I asked for advice on making new friends and his response was, "Just don't be yourself." It was a great piece of advice and one that I took to heart because I knew that behind his beer scented chuckle, he was right.
I fought every day to put a smile on my face and to search for the silver lining. To find the positive in even the worst situations and I've done a pretty damn good job. I've figured out a way to cultivate the negativity and transfer that energy into something positive.
I vividly remember one day earlier this year, a couple weeks before Husband left for his extended work trip. I was having a pretty rough morning and I had so many things to do that involved dealing with other people (similar to today). On the 20 minute drive to the base, a place I don't have very fond feelings for, I shut off the Aenima album that is usually playing in my car, and just drove quietly. I told myself to put all the things I was concerned with into a giant bubble and let it float away. If it was important, it will return when I'm ready to deal with it. I started day dreaming about my plans for summer and things that make me smile. By the time I got to base I felt so giddy that about a dozen people in different agencies commented on the fact that I was glowing. GLOWING people! If you know anything about the day to day operations of a military establishment, you know that no one ever asks "why are you so happy today?"
My bubbly personality was temporarily deflated and I want to talk about it. I think it's healthy to be able to hash things out. Especially for me since I would normally shove shit down and just let it simmer. Something I know that doesn't do me any good. But with the mental bubble method, those things that bother me float away and eventually doesn't pollute my mind. Except, it didn't quite work for me today.
So starting the day in a bad mood obviously has the tendency to make everything else that follows seem ten times worse. Being fully aware of this, I still tried my very best to be as fake happy as possible. (I'm a terrible actress, by the way.) It's just one of those things that people expect from me; to always be happy. People here have come to know me as "CrisM: always smiling, always in heels". And I LOVE that! Ten times better than my old caption: "frumpy girl who has FML tattooed on her face." I definitely wear my emotions on my sleeves.
Ugh, anyway so what has me in a bad mood? One of my biggest pet peeves has to be part time friends. When your life is going good I'm truly happy for you and I appreciate getting to be a part of that sunny side of you. When you need a pick me up and you think of me as someone who can help, awesome! I'm honored! But when you only reach out to me because you're bored or waiting for something better to come along in your day, that's when I have a problem. I'm not a filler, a fluffer, or an in between kind of girl. When you drop off the fucken planet for a week it's like- really? Really??? And then you pop back into my life like nothing happened. *Judo chop yourself in the throat. Come on, we're all adults here.
I have such a high tolerance for this kind of shenanigans because most of my friends are guys. Men tend to hide in their caves to solve problems themselves and when they've either figured out a solution or have gotten over it, they emerge as if nothing happened. I expect that from the men in my life. It's when girls do it that irks me. Women TALK about their feelings and seek assistance from their sisters, it's the Venusian way after all.
Anyway, I feel like I'm getting completely off topic now. And I fear that I'll just start quoting things from Men are from Mars... ain't nobody got time for that.
To close- get your shit together. We're friends but keep this ridiculous childlike behavior up, and that will change with a quickness. To my other readers, if you're on the giving end of this- stop it. You're better than that. You have a CrisM in your life and you are ruining her day. I'm going to take a depressing bath while listening to Cat Powers, go to bed, and try again tomorrow.
Daily nugget: If after a week, you discover one of your three used blender bottles in your non daily driver, the smell that escapes when you finally remember it will singe your nose hairs and immediately make you gag uncontrollably for 10 minutes. It smells like a bum's breath after he ate a rotten horse shit sandwich.