Monday, January 27, 2014

Reflection Sunday

This day was wonderful. It was my first day that I spent completely alone and totally at home. I had many things to think about and I'm really glad that I forced myself to deal with it instead of running away from it or pushing it off for a later time. Like I've been doing inadvertently this whole time.

So, if you're new to this blog or if you're just checking in on the haps of a one CrisM, I am currently sitting in a tiny one bedroom apartment in West Seattle. A very drastic change from my giant farmhouse in Italy filled with all my pet children.

This entire time that I've been stateside (going on about two months now) I've been so uncomfortable and anxious. It wasn't until today that I've realized that it's never going to get better or easier... but more importantly- that it's OK that it doesn't.

I've had the opportunity to reflect on what is truly bothering me. For one, being completely alone is a real big adjustment. I moved to Seattle because of school, but I did have the option of going to a city that I've lived in before but I chose to be in a new place. This new place meant that I wouldn't know a single soul when I landed. It was exactly what I wanted or what I thought I needed at the time. For the past several weeks this has been the most depressing aspect of the move. Being lonely... But something sort of clicked in me today. I KNOW how to be alone. Majority of the time I was in Italy, I preferred to be alone anyway, even though I was surrounded by many good friends. So, it was interesting that I felt like I needed to be with people to feel "safe". I'm happy to report that this is no longer an issue.

Another thing that is now irrelevant is the lack of a homey feel to this apartment. It was such a big deal for me to nest and to inject "CrisM" into this 600 square feet box. I felt stuck and defeated because I have all of the things I've collected over the years just sitting in Italy. I temporarily forgot that those things are just that- things, stuff, shit essentially. I mean, yes, I enjoy having a gorgeous white Italian leather couch, and my beautiful dining room set, my shoe collection, my piano, etc. But, at first I was upset that none of that stuff was here, right NOW. I'm over it. I've moved many times before. I was without all that stuff for many months and I survived just fine. This time around should be no different.

Thirdly, the misconception of having "nothing" to do. Classes don't start until the spring for me and in the mean time I've felt so directionless. I can only go to the movies in the middle of the afternoon so many times a week before the theater staff thinks I'm some sort of weirdo. I have a particular lifestyle when it comes to food so eating out is pointless because although I omit half the shit they put into a meal, it still costs the same. And let's face it- I can cook chicken and veggies for less than half the price at a mediocre food joint. Then it dawned on me: "Go exploring!" That's all I ever did when I was in Italy anyway- and there were so many more "dangerous" things that could have happened. I don't know why I haven't used my time more wisely so far. I mean, there are TONS of cool things to check out just in Seattle alone. But, all the outlaying cities must have cool things to check out too.

So that's the game plan. I've reflected. I've brainstormed, formulated a plan and starting tomorrow- I will carry on the way I've always done. With a smile and a grateful attitude that I still live a very charmed life. Although, it doesn't compare to being in Italy with the love of my life; I am still the same person and I choose to be happy regardless of my current situation.

Wish me luck!

Until next time, may the sunshine be with you always.

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