Thursday, January 16, 2014

When doing the right thing hurts like a bitch

In the spring of 2013, I decided to take it upon myself to move back to America. As much as I loved living in Italy, my life was just too comfortable- if that's even really a thing. I was able to find so much happiness in baking for a living and I wanted to make sure that the next step I took would ensure ultimate success in my career. Which was sort of nonexistent up until that point.

So, I did as much research as I could in between trips to Florence and other amazing cities in Italy. (Insert total snobbish pinky in the air smirk here) The primary goal was to find a school that offered exactly what I was searching for. I narrowed it down to two places- Scottsdale and Seattle. And at that point, I was standing at a crossroad- do I return to a place where I'm familiar with or go to a totally new city and get my feathers ruffled in the most dramatic way possible?

The idea of returning to a place I've already lived and experienced made me sick to my stomach. So, I ultimately chose to move to Seattle. Something about being uncomfortable was so enticing and I had to follow my instincts. I mean, I've always sort of had a weird crush on Seattle. The rain, the cold, dark dreary days, I'm all about it.

I've been in Seattle for about a month now. And to be honest, it fucken sucks. I mean, don't get me wrong today could be just an off day. I laugh, because the sun is out and it's in the mid 50s. Weather wise, it should be a pretty good setting to feel happy and maybe it's just my ass backwards ideals but today of all days I'm so terribly sad.

My whole life was flipped upside down. I've been in limbo for a few months now and I wanted to give myself ample time to get to know the area and assimilate to my new home but by golly I just haven't been able to get into the groove of this place.

Now, "doing the right thing" for me meant to pack up my shit and start over. New, clean, fresh, all that- and I did it. I'm happy about that. But, that climax, epiphany, serendipity, whatever you want to call it- just hasn't happened yet and my biggest fear is that it won't ever happen here. That's scary, depressing, and really it pisses me off.

So basically, starting over sounds like a great idea and I'm sure in the long run I'll be happy with this huge life decision. But right now, I just want to crawl into a hole and hibernate until I'm 80 and it's time to walk into the light. A little dramatic, yea, but this is my blog and I can be as dramatic as I want to be. =)

At the end of my day, I crawl into bed and I just stare at the ceiling. "What the fuck am I doing here???" is the only question that constantly scrolls through my mind until I fall asleep. That's not exactly what I had in mind but that is my reality.

Not to end a post on a sour note, I am trying to maintain some sort of positive outlook on the entire situation. Like I said, it might just be an off day for me. Not all days since I've been here are like this. As a matter of fact I have had plenty of lovely days. But there is always that underlying feeling like I've made a huge mistake. One that I can't ever take back or salvage and that doesn't sit very well with me.

In the next few weeks there should be some sort of normalcy coming my way in regards to a real routine. So hopefully I'll be able to post something a little more upbeat. I've been out exploring a lot but unfortunately I haven't snapped many pictures to capture my adventures. =/ I did start an Instagram page though (to sort of help me in that aspect), so feel free to check that out here.

Well, it's gym time now. I hope you're having a way better Wednesday than I am. Send me as many love vibes as you've got. Until next time...

CrisM

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