Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Stability and security are in my future, right?

I'm not really the kind of person who is typically jealous. Of anything really. I always find it motivational when others accomplish things that I strive for. New car, fancy shoes, getting that degree, losing the weight, etc. Those are all things that can bring on a tinge of jealousy sure, but not for me. I would much rather celebrate your success than be jealous of it.

However, what I'm somewhat "jealous" of is the idea of what my life used to be like. (Haha, how much more narcissistic can I possibly be? I'm jealous of... myself.) *Sigh* Anyway, I can't seem to get over it and move the fuck on. I believe it's partially this (previously enchanting but now annoying) Seattle weather and partially the fact that I am STILL in limbo. I have a lot more time on my hands than I know what to do with.

One of my current hurdles is figuring out how to spend my time here wisely. When I'm at home, I clean. Since I have about an eighth of what I used to have, it's not a lot to clean. Clean clothes, clean dishes, clean floors, sheets, refrigerator, car... all of it. CLEAN.

Then I go out and explore. I've been in, out, up, down, left, right, and every other possible direction of this city and those cities nearby. And I've only really been here for a few months. I'm tourist'd out. So I plan trips outside the state. But those usually have to deal with other people and that means coordinating with their work and school schedules, flights, car rental, hotel stays, etc. so those are less of a 'whim' and more of a waiting game. Which brings me back to square one... how to spend my time here wisely.

So, it's been this giant rotating door scenario for weeks on end. And I just want to quit going around in circles and start sprinting forward. I deserve to sprint forward damn it. I've been excited for school to start for a really long time. Even though I only have about 7 weeks left before it starts, I'm "jealous" of those who get to go now. I shouldn't really put that in quotation marks... I am jealous.

Now, having all that out there for you to judge, what is my next step? Shed light on to me. Help me see the bigger picture. I know these posts are coming off with so much whining and complaining and for that I truly apologize. That is never my intent. But friends, I am struggling here. Struggling to find my place, struggling to keep my spirit afloat, fighting tooth and nail to not give up on this spectacular new plan. Send me as many happy thoughts and love vibes as you have in you. And thank you in advance. 

Daily Nugget: I'm going through this major blue phase. I have been gravitating to just the blue clothing in my closet. Just food for thought. And also, it's raining. Big surprise. Bleh. 


  1. You need a hobby. A cause. Is there a charity you could do some work with?

  2. I'm sure there are tons of charities looking for a helping hand, but I haven't even looked. I did volunteer to help a friend paint though, so that's something...