Wednesday, July 30, 2014

50 Shades of CrisM

I love sunglasses. I count on them.
I don't feel complete without a pair of shades regardless of whether the sun is actually out or not.
But that's not technically what this post is about. 
Let's talk about sex, Baby.
I'm not making any excuses or playing that double standard card. 
I make no apologies for handling my business this way
and any other single lady who has had her heart ripped to bits shouldn't apologize either.
Here are 50 random thoughts, revelations, and down right ridiculous beliefs
 when it comes to being a single lady running amuck in Sunny Seattle. 

About me:
  1. Unless we are in an exclusive relationship, which I assure you- we're not, stick to your designated day. Do not call me on Sunday, when you know that you are Thursday night's entertainment.
  2. I mean business when I say, "you're off the hook" so don't read into it- just count your wins, cut your losses, and move on.
  3. PDA- gross. I'm not into it so if that's your thing- move on.
  4. Fresh flowers, yea, I like them. But if you bring them to me with preconceived notions about what that can get you- you are dead wrong. Alls it gets you is a super grateful thank you and possibly a hug. But no promises on the hug. PDA. Gross.
  5. I have never been more honest about my intentions ever before in my life. Please listen carefully when I say shit. It's for your own good.
  6. Don't linger after the fact. It's so annoying. If I want you to stay, I'll state it. Otherwise, get your shit and go!
  7. If you manage to stay for breakfast, let me cook. I'm a gd chef for crying out loud. Just stay in bed and let me do my thing. I promise, you won't impress me or melt my heart for trying. 
  8. After breakfast, don't linger. It's so annoying. If I want you to stay, I'll state it. Otherwise, get your shit and go! 
  9. Seriously, take points 6, 7, and 8 to heart. It's insane that I have to say that more than once.
  10. In case I wasn't clear the first 3 times, DO NOT LINGER AT MY PLACE. It's annoying. I have a schedule that I stick to. Please don't make it awkward. Just get your shit and go!
  11. I'm like a ninja. I will never leave anything of mine at your place. Ever. 
  12. Return the favor, and don't leave any of your stuff at mine.
  13. Drive. Whether it's your car or mine, just be nice and drive us places.
  14. Don't get upset when I have to go. Whining will make me not ever want to see you again.
  15. My closest friends are dudes. Don't ask to meet them. They won't like you. 
  16. I don't ask questions about your past. It doesn't concern me.
  17. On that note, if you have real questions for me about my past, I reserve the right to answer. You are allowed to ask them, but 9 times out of 10, my answer will not satisfy your curiosity.
  18. When we're together doing stuff you'll have my full attention. I promise.
  19. If we're not together and I say "I'm busy"- do not blow up my phone. 
  20. Pet names are as enduring as nails to a chalk board. If you have to call me something other than my name, do it when I'm not around.

About you:
  1. I'm all for just doing "whatever" but if I have to make all the gd decisions about our activities more than twice in a row, I'll probably never want to hang out with you again.
  2. If you order white wine without it accompanying some gnarly seafood dish, I will make fun of your #basic behavior.
  3. Your jeans should not be tighter than mine.
  4. I like strong men who like strong women. I'm not a damsel in destress, I'm not helpless, nor do I need you to puff out your chest when another dude hits on me. 
  5. When girls hit on you in my presence- I take it as a compliment. When you hit on girls in my presence, it better be because you're trying to get us free drinks.
  6. Don't suggest watching a horror movie with me. It's a bad idea for both of us. I'll think you're an asshole for trying to force me to do something I don't want to do. And you'll think I'm a bitch for calling you an asshole.
  7. Don't call me a bitch. Don't call me crazy. Don't call me high maintenance or a princess. I'm not a bitch, I just don't take shit from anyone. I'm not crazy, I just don't take shit from anyone. You don't maintain me or my lifestyle, so you have no right to judge. Keep your observations to yourself.
  8. Smile when you send me a selfie. It's weird to get a pissed off mug with the caption "just thinking about you..." like what the hell?! 
  9. If you send me a dick pic, I will forward them to all my friends. And they will forward it to all their friends. Lesson being: Don't send me a dick pic.
  10. I really do like getting pictures, especially if you're out doing fun stuff. Keep that in mind when you're out doing fun stuff. Then remember it the next time we're hanging out and take me to do those things.
  11. Don't you ever talk shit about your family. I don't care how screwed up it is- I'm not interested in hearing about your family drama. Chances are, we're not close enough to get that deep so if you feel comfortable enough to unload all this shit on my ears, you'll never hear from me ever again.
  12. Don't talk shit about your ex girlfriends. That shit is in the past and it doesn't concern me. Be a man, suck that shit up, and don't punish me for her behavior.
  13. If you're super close with your family, I'll know. And I'll think it's adorable. 
  14. Please do me favor, don't order my food when we go out to dinner. 
  15. Giving me any kind of gift is sweet and I really do appreciate it. But please, for the love of Christ- if you're going to buy me jewelry, please take note of the kind of jewelry I'm into. 
  16. You need to have your own set of friends that you do stuff with. Without me.
  17. Have a real job. Own a reliable vehicle. Pay your rent on time. Do your laundry. Eat off of real plates. And keep your grooming standards high. Nothing is more attractive to me than a man who has his shit on lock.
  18. Taylor made suits. Have those. At least one really good quality three piece. 
  19. If you are a terrible dancer, that's ok by me. But when we party and I want to dance don't freak out when I'm getting jiggy wit it on the dance floor with some jabbawockee. 
  20. If you do dance, let's fucken dance!

About "us": 
  1. I try to keep things as simple as possible. My only request is that you recognize that and reciprocate. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. 
  2. I live in a really nice neighborhood and I'm rather friendly. If we are kicking it at my place, be nice to my neighbors. I promise, when we're at your place- I'll do the same.
  3. The thing with me is that I'm crystal clear about my level of interest. You will never have to guess how I feel about you. That being said, when I say "I'm done." Please for the love of Jesus- do not try to win me back. It will not work.
  4. When you feel like you're done, there will be no hard feelings. Just be clear about your decision, state it, and stick with it. If you "break up" with me and then text me two weeks later, I will most likely make fun of you with my friends.
  5. The thing is, when you see me out and about with someone else you have two options: a.) casually say hello and quickly carry on, or b.) ignore me completely. Both are acceptable. You do not have the option to mean mug me and whomever I'm with, text me bullshit messages about playing you, or try to conduct a dick measuring contest about who I like more. 
  6. On that note, if you're that person that I'm out and about with and we run into a friend, your options are a.) politely say hello and excuse yourself, or b.) politely say hello and introduce yourself. You do not have the option to show off, be rude, or bow up. 
  7. When we see your friends out and about, I will always politely say hello and excuse myself. Do not introduce me to your friends. 
  8. Do not introduce me to your family.
  9. Do not ask me to watch your dog, feed your cat, or check your mail. I'm not your girlfriend.
  10. Discretion. Be classy and a gentleman about things. What we do is between us, and us alone. Unless, of course you send me a dick pic. Then that shit is going all over the internets. Freak.

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