Wednesday, December 3, 2014

When your entire life is a string of "wtf" moments...

These past 11 months have been quite interesting for me to say the least. New city, new home, new people. Different car, no dog, and the single life. I've been waiting for the moment when the dust finally starts to settle and I see precisely what my life is forecasted to be like. I've been prolonging this forced epiphany because I wasn't ready for my reality. But, like any good ole life lesson- shit just happens whether you're ready for it or not.

It's tough to see the changes when you're going through it and it's easy for me to fight it because I want to hold on to the past. To my past. It's been an amazing adventure and to me, it seemed like there is no way to top that going forward. And truthfully, as dramatic and morose as that may sound- I'm ok with it, now. 

I know that the past 11 years of my life was a fairytale. I was married to the most incredible man on the planet, for me. He still is my best friend but the reality is that he is no longer mine. He is no longer the rock to keep me grounded, the support to hold me up when I feel down. Without him, I've become less structured and less centered. It has taken me almost a year to get my shit together.

The bottom line is that when your life is a constant baseline of "what the fuck" moments all strung together, it's time to make a change.

I've been in school for a year now and I've come to realize that I need more. The fucking around, the weird jobs, and the "one foot out the door" attitude about living in America again just hasn't been doing anything for me. It's my fault completely and I own that. 2014 has been quite the adventure, a slow, anti-climatic adventure but an adventure nonetheless.

My upcoming year should be better. I haven't quite figured out what I'm doing with my life but I know that how I've been operating just isn't optimal. Nurturing new relationships is one of my biggest  priorities. I've been too nonchalant about making friends here and it's starting to take a serious toll on my morale. I have an unhealthy habit of over romanticizing the relationships I have with my friends and I'm putting a stop to that. The loyalty, love, and respect will never go away but truth be told- we've all changed and to expect the same level of attention and selflessness from them is just unrealistic. I acknowledge what they've done for me and I appreciate all of it immensely, but I can't hold on to that false sense of security any longer. It just hinders me from creating ties with other people because the exaggerated bond pales in comparison to any new relationship. And that is just unfair as fuck.

2015 is going to be spent reevaluating what THIS girl needs in her life instead of running amuck and rebelling against what she knows and believes is true. I spent the last year going with the flow so much that I sort of forgot what my values are. I realized this about a month ago and I've been working on getting a grip on it all. I have confidence that I'll find my way soon enough.

This year, as I'm sitting around a few good friends feeling fat and guilty as all hell from eating your typical Thanksgiving foods, I've come to peace that it has all changed and it's ok. It's such a dramatic difference from last year's Thanksgiving but I'm determined to embrace the changes and allow myself to change along with it.

Sure, I'll miss the drunken debauchery and the insane vulgarity but who's to say that I won't be able to fill that void in the future? Who's to say that I won't be able to find a whole other gang of misfits just as broken and just as awesome? Each one of my pretty little birdies have found their way without me and it's time that I find my way without them.

To be thankful for everything and everyone thus far, is an understatement. I am blown away at the experiences I've lived through and I'm excited to see what else may come. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving celebration with your friends and family. Enjoy the rest of this beautiful season and until next time, much love!


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