Sunday, February 1, 2015
Let me just begin by saying that I've officially started dating. *Gasp* I know right?!?! It's been hell. Last year, I was in total denial. I met a few guys that I actually enjoyed spending time with but truly the lack of down time took away any and all opportunity for me to actually date them.
Anyway, this past month I threw myself into it with a vengeance to make up for lost time. And it's been absolutely terrible. Haha... go figure.
Did you know that no matter how cool he is in his own right, you will still compare him to your ex? I didn't think that was a real thing, but apparently it is. And I do it- all the fucken time. It's so unfair to these guys and it's completely devastating to me and my fantasy at another solid relationship.
The thing is, my marriage was fucken awesome. And my (ex) husband is still a huge part of my life. He's my best friend and that's the problem. Sure, I've learned how to handle the emotional up roars by myself, something that I always turned to him for. But now my mind can't seem to stop tallying up all the things these new guys lack, in comparison to Him.
I have realized that although I have (perhaps more accurately now, "had") a preference in terms of the type of man I am most attracted to- I have yet to find one that gives me butterflies. Have I become so damaged and delusional that I just can't see these new guys' potential? Ugh... dating sucks.
Here's my problem: For one, I like tall, blond haired, blue eyed men. The guys on the roster right now? 5'9- 5'11, dark hair, dark eyes... Like wtf? Wearing heels (my greatest obsession since I was in the 2nd grade) has become so tricky because I am practically eye to eye with these guys and that freaks me out for some inexplicable reason. Some drink, some don't. Some go to church on the reg, some refuse to acknowledge the possibility of there being a higher power. Some go to the gym as though it were church (amen and hallelujah), others eat complete garbage which drives me infuckensane. Some have adorable relationships with their family, but others have so much dysfunction that it makes my brow furrow to the point where I'm terrified of permanent wrinkle damage.
They are all over the place and the only thing that they all have in common, is me. Which leads me to believe that I'm a crazy person. How can one person attract such a wide range of personalities? One is super athletic, he plays sports, climbs, and goes for runs on the beach for fun (like, um, really?!) One shoots guns, is into cars, but has the craziest ex wife on the planet. Some are musicians, both actual studio artists and starving artist types. A bartender, a real estate agent, a barber, an analyst, a car salesman, and a private contractor. Again... HOW can one person attract so many different personalities?
I've been 100% upfront with every single one of them. Meaning, they all know that I'm not exclusive. It bothers only a couple of them but so far, they both have held their tongues well. One of them went as far as to tell me that he's not seeing anyone other than me and that totally freaked me out. Like why would you tell me that? It's not going to alter my behavior. It just makes me feel like an asshole. This other guy, likes to talk mad shit about all the "other" chicks in his life... like I'm supposed to be jealous??? I'm not. I'm actually glad that he has other people to occupy his time- he's a fucken handful, haha. But, majority of them are what I consider seasoned daters. They've been single for a while and they know how to play the game. They keep their extracurricular activities to themselves and have the common courtesy to never question mine.
Which leads me to my next issue. Omission and just flat out lying. I'm super guilty of leaving out details to practically everything about anything serious in my life. Only 37% of the guys I'm dating know that I was married. Which was 100% an accident, on all accounts. I don't have a problem omitting details, especially since they're all practically new to me and trust should be earned. But, the lying part... I just don't get it. And lying about insignificant things nonetheless. Like, I'm not your gd mother- I won't scold you for anything. Honesty and trust go hand in hand, in my book. Being honest with me, even if it's simply stating the fact that you choose to not disclose something right now, earns my trust in you as a person.
I don't ask loaded questions, I don't require explanations. I simply appreciate honesty through and through. When I'm asked "What are you doing tonight?" and I have plans to see someone, the response is "I'm going out with a friend." None of this "oh, I'm staying home... or I feel sick" bullshit. I'm going out with a motherfucken friend. It's ok for YOU to respond with honesty. Don't tell me you've got to stay home with your kid and then fabricate this ginormous story when I run into you at the bar... with another girl. IDGAF- that's what dating is about. We are not in an actual relationship- you are allowed to go out with other people during the same time frame that we are seeing each other. There is absolutely no reason to lie about it. Like, does nobody get that?
But my biggest headache has to have been this one which we will call Auggie. He's a solid 9.8 on just about everything you can put a score on. He's fit, eats well, has a great career, put together, charming, handsome, tall, great relationship with his family, drinks like a fish and is so functional in spite of it... But he's so hot and cold with me and it drives me totally ape shit bananas. I didn't realize it at first but then shit between us got really intense really quickly, which surprised me given his distaste for exclusive relationships. We talked every day, spent weekends together, did things that couples do and then he just bounced. Like *poof* disappeared. I wasn't too butt hurt about it- I just kind of went with it. But since then he's done that same move about half a dozen times. The more time we spent together, the more my curiosity about his disappearance grows. Because, if we were having such a good time, what the hell spooks him?
Last week was the final straw for him though. I had to cut that crazy man loose. Trying to decipher his behavior is like trying to smell the color 9. Hahahaha, seriously though. It's impossible to understand what he's doing. So, to keep myself from sustaining any further whiplash- I've just pressed the eject button. Which is kind of a shame, because he was in fact my favorite. But oh well, you live and learn. And I've learned that I can't stand highly emotional and erratic behavior from men.
As far as how dating other men has changed me: I'm a really hard person to please, as it turns out. This dating thing is not just a thing to pass the time. I think it started off that way but understanding how valuable timing is- I've started to actually assess whether any of these men will enhance who I am as an individual. I like how I have developed little connections with certain ones, but I also like how I can be so general with others. They all make me laugh, they all make me feel wanted, they all still are chivalrous with the opening of doors, bringing me coffee at home, sending sweet "just because" flowers and "thinking of you" texts. It's nice... But like I said, I have yet to come across the one that gives me butterflies... And we all know, it's those damn butterflies that make all the difference.
Going to bed. Goodnight.
Daily nugget: I like oriental lilies because they smell wonderful and are absolutely beautiful. I don't enjoy tulips, daisies, or carnations. Also, I dislike chocolate. Bring hummus and pita chips instead. And no, you can't stay the night. Don't even ask.