Monday, May 4, 2015

I did this for me.

I spent all day going back and forth debating with myself whether or not to post this. As you can see, it's live and out there...

What I think my struggle was about is the fact that this is a very intimate photo. It's a side of me that is reserved for someone I'm in love with, someone who has earned the right to this primal image of my body. But that's just the initial perception of what this faceless self portrait represents.

It has been a really challenging battle to have any confidence about my body. I still fluctuate between content, mild shame, and pure disgust. I was very unhealthy, overweight, and utterly unhappy with how my body was. Four years ago, I wouldn't undress in front of my husband because I didn't want him to fall out of love with me for having a body covered in stretch marks. Let alone even think about buying undergarments like this. Trust me, I tried but being told that I should go shop at a specialty store for larger women kind of knocks the wind out of you and makes it very hard to try again.

My thighs rubbed together when I walked, my bat wings were stuffed into shirts with sleeves, my tummy rolled over my stretchy pants... It was the lowest point of my life. I felt like garbage because I ate garbage and instead of making changes to fix the problem, I drowned my sorrows in gravy and covered it with rainbow sprinkles.

After my workout this morning, I showered and started to get dressed. I was walking around my place with a cup of java pro coffee protein.  I caught a glimpse of myself in my full length mirror and I literally stopped dead in my tracks. I didn't recognize that body... THIS body... the thigh gap, the bubble butt, abs, mild horseshoe definition in my triceps... my jaw literally dropped and then my eyes welled up.

I EARNED this body. I have spent hours in the gym, pushing myself to lift heavy, to only count the reps with proper form, forcing myself to do the worst thing on the planet- cardio... I earned THIS body. I'm still pushing and fighting to get as lean as I physically can. I'm still turning to grilled chicken breast and steamed veggies instead of indulging in pizza and rib eye steaks.

I'm no where near where what I envision my body to look like but I sure as hell am proud of what I see today. This post is not about attention or validation, it's about stopping for just a second to revel in how far I've come. To take pride and credit for the hard work I've already put in. This photo captures the woman who said "No more!" and got off her flabby ass to change what she could about the physical appearance of HER body.

I did this for me. And I am so proud of myself.

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