Wednesday, June 15, 2016

How the mighty have fallen

Time is precious and I've been MIA from this blog due to that fact.

I am in total disbelief that it's been over a year since I've posted. It's never that I don't want to it's just always been this one thing (work, school, gym, relationships, chores, family things, dog things, etc.) versus sleep. And when I'm not doing that "one" thing, I collapse on the nearest horizontal space and go "Should I write or should I sle...." [passes out on computer, wakes up 4 hrs later with keyboard keys embossed on my face and about 20 minutes to get my shit together and run out the door to tend to one of those things mentioned above]

As a matter of fact, this post has taken me almost two days at this point.

So let me set the scene for you. I'm sitting on my balcony at my new place. Oh! I moved! I moved from West Seattle to a swanky new spot in Queen Anne. Not that it really matters but, I feel that it's important for me to express that moving into this new CONDO is right on track with who I am. I've always had 2 plus bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, just as a standard because I have a lot of visitors come into town. I'm a gypsy, remember?

So my humble little apartment in West Seattle went against the grain in that respect and no wonder why I always felt so displaced! It was barely a bedroom, 1 bathroom, no space to live or breathe. Which was fine, in retrospect,  since I didn't really have any time to sit and be still. But now.... today especially, I have TIME. Again.

I went through a nasty break up not too long ago (early spring 2016) and took some time to rediscover what it is that I'm afraid of about exclusive relationships. I had to think long and hard about the kind of partner I am while in a relationship. And what I've learned is that my partner actually does make a difference. The kind of partner I'm with has to be a solid individual on his own. I am too easily influenced by his personality, his characteristics, daily traits, etc. I wouldn't say that I'm that chameleon girlfriend, but I definitely mimic behavior especially if I'm exposed to it on a daily basis.

The person I was a mere six months ago makes my skin crawl. I've developed habits that are heartbreaking. I want to claim that it was because of his actions, that I reacted the ways I did. Truthfully though, I just used that as an excuse to justify the deep, dark corners of my heart. We all have dark tendencies and the partner I was with exemplified that dark side to a thousand degrees.

Coming out of that very unhealthy relationship was like coming up from the deepest sludge of suffocating quick sand. I can breathe again, I can breathe cleanly, freely, and without ever taking that simple act for granted.

I'm doing well after the split- I'm resilient. He.... is as well? I'm not sure actually. He's the only "ex" I haven't kept up with since the split. Which just goes to show the magnitude of that poor decision. Anyway, it's time for me to clock off the grid.

Until next time, much love!
CrisM




No comments:

Post a Comment