Friday, January 31, 2014

January Favorites

[So, I thought I posted this already but clearly I was wrong.

I also thought that I wrote this all out and had it scheduled to publish but after looking through all my drafts, I see nothing of the sort. Did I just dream up the idea that I wrote a January Favorites blog post??? Hum... I think the mythical creatures that used to steal my clothes in Italy have followed me here and are deleting my writing.]


Face: I've rediscovered my love for the Tarte Amazonian Clay illuminating BB cream this month. I love how it makes my skin glow like I've been kicking it on the seaside of Capri. Moisturizing and good for my skin. Win win.

Eyes: I happened to grab the last Too Faced "Joy to the Girls" holiday pallet at a mad discount. I apparently have gotten lazy with my eye makeup so I have been doing a lot of that "natural" look lately. My favorite shadows from this pallet are Powdered Sugar and Mulberry.

Lips: Because my eyes have been very subtle, I try to do something bold with my lips to make me look less... dead. I have lost my summer tan (Thank you perpetual rain and gloom that is Seattle life) so to capitalize on the dead vampire girl look, I've been rocking red lips a lot this month. Palladio lip liner in Candy Apple and lipstick in Just red.

Body: So, I'm sort of addicted to body lotion. I usually go for my natural or organic stuff but this past month I cannot get over the scent of Avon's Naturals hand and body lotion in Apricot and Shea. It's not greasy after application which is why I think I like it so much.

Hair: Velcro rollers. I love them. Been using them like it's going out of style. It's just so simple and fast and it gives my short hair tons of volume. Def a staple this month.

Nails: So, you know how it used to be a fashion faux pas to clash red and pink? I'm a rebel. Red lips and bright girly pink has been my color scheme as of late. I've been wearing Sally Hansen's Hard as Nails polish in Party Hardy.

Clothing: Alright, I hate to admit this but I've fallen in love with my Adidas hoodie. I picked it up while I was visiting brothers in Texas and I've worn it practically everyday since then. The cut its outstanding. It is unlike any other hoodie I have. The material is heavy enough to keep me warm, but not thick where I end up looking like a bum or a marshmallow. Plus, it's got this deep pink and teal detailing and that makes me feel more feminine even though I'm undoubtedly in a hoodie.

Music: Awolnation. I've become obsessed. I don't know where it came from but I can't get enough. I am already sad about this though because with intense infatuation, I know as quickly as I got into them, I will fall out of love with them just as fast.

Food: January is the month of guacamole. I've eaten soooo much guacamole this month it's impressive. At one point, I did in fact just have a bowl of it for dinner.

28 days left

Let me just start off this post by saying that I'm fine.

Something came across my mind earlier in the day and I've been thinking long and hard about my response. I think I've given ample enough time to myself to construct a pretty decent standing on the matter. Most of the time this blog is just about silly little things that happen in my day, or more recently, just a place for me to vent about my #firstworldproblems.

I read several different blogs that really get me thinking and I would like my blog to do that for you as well. Perhaps it's just not my nature to really ask hard hitting questions or to get your mind to go to dark place- but I like to have somewhat philosophical conversations every once in a while.

Today is that day.

It's been 30 days into this new year and I find myself basically stuck in first gear. Unable to move forward faster, unable to stop myself from constantly checking my rear view mirror. Why is that? And more importantly, why did I choose a car analogy just now? Haha

Let me set the scene for you:
It's 0658, and my alarm is about to go off in two minutes. I'm in my super comfortable [rented] bed, surrounded by 7 different sized pillows, snuggled in pristine white sheets. I'm content. Not all that thrilled, it's Friday and I know I have nothing spectacular planned for my day. I stare at my iPhone, waiting for 3Libras to start playing (it's my alarm ring tone). It's usually a pretty decent way to be woken up in my opinion. The first thing to pop into my head after I come into full consciousness is this:
"What would you do differently if you only have 28 days left to live?"

What a tremendously heavy thing to think about first thing in the morning, or ever, for that matter. Especially for me, a perpetually chipper person who has so many reasons to be happy that it could last my entire lifetime (given I live for 100 more years). 

I'm not going to lie, I freaked out and started to cry. Like massively balling my eyes out. Not just silent "oh crap" kind of cry but intense snotty, uncontrollable, hyperventilating-like sobbing. There are so many things that I want to accomplish in my lifetime and the idea that I still have time is my only excuse. But, what if I don't have all that time? That thought alone is scary. I mean, if I try and fail that's one thing. But if I don't ever try because I think "now is not the right time" and then boom- the clock strikes midnight and I'm finito, now that is exactly the kind of mindset I feel I should be in. Enough with the monotony and the "I'll get to it later" bullshit. Really, what's the difference between 28 days and 28 years? 

There are a few things that came to mind that I immediately wanted to do, to say. But after thinking on it- it's the reaction that I will get from other people that stops me from acting on it. I'm afraid to hurt someone's feelings. I'm afraid of being rejected, tossed aside, written off. All because of what I have to say and inevitably the fact that my words will turn into actions. 

Then I started exploring the bigger picture. Slowly I started to get comfortable with the idea that no matter the outcome, if I stand my ground and start living like I have less time to procrastinate on really important things, it would all be worth it. A big part of life is learning. Learning not only how to do things but how to deal with the not so pretty stuff and hopefully learning more about myself. 

For the next 28 days, I want to explore the fact that life is finite. And not just by decades and old age, but by minutes, moments, and memories. 

I hope you join me on this adventure. I can't promise that it'll be exciting for you or me, but I can say that I'm going into it with much enthusiasm and total commitment. It would be neat if you were somewhat inspired to do the same and share your journey with me. 

Until tomorrow, have a wonderful night and I'll see you tomorrow. 

Much love,
CrisM

Daily Nugget: Brother is in town and we are having a blast. 

Monday, January 27, 2014

Reflection Sunday


This day was wonderful. It was my first day that I spent completely alone and totally at home. I had many things to think about and I'm really glad that I forced myself to deal with it instead of running away from it or pushing it off for a later time. Like I've been doing inadvertently this whole time.

So, if you're new to this blog or if you're just checking in on the haps of a one CrisM, I am currently sitting in a tiny one bedroom apartment in West Seattle. A very drastic change from my giant farmhouse in Italy filled with all my pet children.

This entire time that I've been stateside (going on about two months now) I've been so uncomfortable and anxious. It wasn't until today that I've realized that it's never going to get better or easier... but more importantly- that it's OK that it doesn't.

I've had the opportunity to reflect on what is truly bothering me. For one, being completely alone is a real big adjustment. I moved to Seattle because of school, but I did have the option of going to a city that I've lived in before but I chose to be in a new place. This new place meant that I wouldn't know a single soul when I landed. It was exactly what I wanted or what I thought I needed at the time. For the past several weeks this has been the most depressing aspect of the move. Being lonely... But something sort of clicked in me today. I KNOW how to be alone. Majority of the time I was in Italy, I preferred to be alone anyway, even though I was surrounded by many good friends. So, it was interesting that I felt like I needed to be with people to feel "safe". I'm happy to report that this is no longer an issue.

Another thing that is now irrelevant is the lack of a homey feel to this apartment. It was such a big deal for me to nest and to inject "CrisM" into this 600 square feet box. I felt stuck and defeated because I have all of the things I've collected over the years just sitting in Italy. I temporarily forgot that those things are just that- things, stuff, shit essentially. I mean, yes, I enjoy having a gorgeous white Italian leather couch, and my beautiful dining room set, my shoe collection, my piano, etc. But, at first I was upset that none of that stuff was here, right NOW. I'm over it. I've moved many times before. I was without all that stuff for many months and I survived just fine. This time around should be no different.

Thirdly, the misconception of having "nothing" to do. Classes don't start until the spring for me and in the mean time I've felt so directionless. I can only go to the movies in the middle of the afternoon so many times a week before the theater staff thinks I'm some sort of weirdo. I have a particular lifestyle when it comes to food so eating out is pointless because although I omit half the shit they put into a meal, it still costs the same. And let's face it- I can cook chicken and veggies for less than half the price at a mediocre food joint. Then it dawned on me: "Go exploring!" That's all I ever did when I was in Italy anyway- and there were so many more "dangerous" things that could have happened. I don't know why I haven't used my time more wisely so far. I mean, there are TONS of cool things to check out just in Seattle alone. But, all the outlaying cities must have cool things to check out too.

So that's the game plan. I've reflected. I've brainstormed, formulated a plan and starting tomorrow- I will carry on the way I've always done. With a smile and a grateful attitude that I still live a very charmed life. Although, it doesn't compare to being in Italy with the love of my life; I am still the same person and I choose to be happy regardless of my current situation.

Wish me luck!

Until next time, may the sunshine be with you always.
CrisM

Thursday, January 16, 2014

When doing the right thing hurts like a bitch

In the spring of 2013, I decided to take it upon myself to move back to America. As much as I loved living in Italy, my life was just too comfortable- if that's even really a thing. I was able to find so much happiness in baking for a living and I wanted to make sure that the next step I took would ensure ultimate success in my career. Which was sort of nonexistent up until that point.

So, I did as much research as I could in between trips to Florence and other amazing cities in Italy. (Insert total snobbish pinky in the air smirk here) The primary goal was to find a school that offered exactly what I was searching for. I narrowed it down to two places- Scottsdale and Seattle. And at that point, I was standing at a crossroad- do I return to a place where I'm familiar with or go to a totally new city and get my feathers ruffled in the most dramatic way possible?

The idea of returning to a place I've already lived and experienced made me sick to my stomach. So, I ultimately chose to move to Seattle. Something about being uncomfortable was so enticing and I had to follow my instincts. I mean, I've always sort of had a weird crush on Seattle. The rain, the cold, dark dreary days, I'm all about it.

I've been in Seattle for about a month now. And to be honest, it fucken sucks. I mean, don't get me wrong today could be just an off day. I laugh, because the sun is out and it's in the mid 50s. Weather wise, it should be a pretty good setting to feel happy and maybe it's just my ass backwards ideals but today of all days I'm so terribly sad.

My whole life was flipped upside down. I've been in limbo for a few months now and I wanted to give myself ample time to get to know the area and assimilate to my new home but by golly I just haven't been able to get into the groove of this place.

Now, "doing the right thing" for me meant to pack up my shit and start over. New, clean, fresh, all that- and I did it. I'm happy about that. But, that climax, epiphany, serendipity, whatever you want to call it- just hasn't happened yet and my biggest fear is that it won't ever happen here. That's scary, depressing, and really it pisses me off.

So basically, starting over sounds like a great idea and I'm sure in the long run I'll be happy with this huge life decision. But right now, I just want to crawl into a hole and hibernate until I'm 80 and it's time to walk into the light. A little dramatic, yea, but this is my blog and I can be as dramatic as I want to be. =)

At the end of my day, I crawl into bed and I just stare at the ceiling. "What the fuck am I doing here???" is the only question that constantly scrolls through my mind until I fall asleep. That's not exactly what I had in mind but that is my reality.

Not to end a post on a sour note, I am trying to maintain some sort of positive outlook on the entire situation. Like I said, it might just be an off day for me. Not all days since I've been here are like this. As a matter of fact I have had plenty of lovely days. But there is always that underlying feeling like I've made a huge mistake. One that I can't ever take back or salvage and that doesn't sit very well with me.

In the next few weeks there should be some sort of normalcy coming my way in regards to a real routine. So hopefully I'll be able to post something a little more upbeat. I've been out exploring a lot but unfortunately I haven't snapped many pictures to capture my adventures. =/ I did start an Instagram page though (to sort of help me in that aspect), so feel free to check that out here.

Well, it's gym time now. I hope you're having a way better Wednesday than I am. Send me as many love vibes as you've got. Until next time...

CrisM

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Goodbye 2013, it's been real

Good Morning my darling friends,

Today I woke up on the sweet couch in my brother's living room. The sun hasn't quite made its grand appearance and it has only been six short hours since I put my head to pillow. I feel kind of out of it, understandably. But, one thing for sure is that I want to write.

New Years Eve is the last celebration of my favorite holiday season (it starts with Thanksgiving). Usually, I like to do something epic to commemorate the end of one year and also to sort of set up the coming year with positive love vibes. There are lots of little superstitions that I stick to as sort of a false sense of security that the next 365 days of my life are going to be better than the last.

To be honest, 2013 was a great year for me. There were a few minor speed bumps, detours, hiccups, etc. but overall- I truly cannot complain about a single thing.

My last few hours of 2013 were spent submersed in a nontypical scene and I was a little afraid of what that would do; what kind of aura that would put on my new year. One thing for sure is that I was able to set the stage for my new year with the one little angel who has changed my perspective on life in so many ways, and that was worth everything.

This next year will be a challenge for sure but with the right mind set and constant effort to maintain my positivity, I think it will be successful nonetheless. My resolutions are short and simple, my dreams still bold, and the drive to accomplish everything on my list is stronger than ever.

Good luck with your fresh start.

Much Love,
CrisM