Tuesday, May 20, 2014

When letting go means more than just moving on

Break ups can be one of the toughest things we deal with as adults. Especially when that break up is between best friends, soul mates even. It's one thing to dissolve a marriage based on logical and mutual decisions, but a whole other slew of difficulties when letting go of an irreplaceable friendship.

The truth is people change. No matter how you feel at that moment in time when promises are made the fact is that people change and those promises fall through the cracks. Perhaps it's due to all kinds of outside and uncontrollable circumstances like chaotic schedules, opposite time zones, pure exhaustion from just living life... but truly, it boils down to the simple lack of trying. Which is so sad.

There has to be more than just the desire to remain in each others' lives. Staying friends after the fact has such a low success rate because people often (and quickly) forget that just because you are no longer together (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.) doesn't mean that their value and importance changes. I still value my best friend like the most precious gem on earth. Because he really is. To me, he will always be my alpha, my rock, the one person who I believe I've connected with in a way that is unmatched by everyone else in my life.

Am I still in love with him? No. Am I holding onto the possibility of getting back together? No. The decision to go our separate ways was not hasty. We thought every. single. thing. through, over and over again for a very long time. In the end we split with nothing but well wishes for each other and we truly were happy about the decision.

But, because this is MY blog and only my side of the story it seems as though the way I speak about Husband confuses people. The fact that I still call him "Husband" confuses people since he has not been my husband for quite some time now. The truth is- I've accepted the divorce. I've accepted the new lives we now live. I've accepted that I am no longer be his number one priority. But, that doesn't change the fact that this man has been such a huge and positive influence in my life. A lot about who I am and all the success I've had in life is due in part to him and his support. His value to me doesn't change just because our titles have.

This is a one sided view on the matter because I haven't had the opportunity to speak to Husband in several weeks now. That is the most heart breaking part- we promised that we would stay active in each others' lives. But, with school and work, and trying to find a way to stand on my own feet without riding the coat tails of his reputation our schedules have just gotten completely out of sync. The more time that goes by without us talking, the easier it is to forget to keep in touch...

My biggest fear is that huge advances in our careers are happening and it'll be swept under the rug because we've just lost touch. I know what I mean to Husband. I know that he holds me in high regard and his love for me will never end. But, as my best friend- something he was before we started dating, it's disappointing that I can't share the significant things in my life with him just because we are "too busy."

The thought of dating someone scares me. I don't know how to date and to be honest I'm not remotely interested in it. Right now. Husband, however, seems to have figured out a way to jump right back on the saddle. My feelings on it are truly positive and I'm excited for him. I was afraid that he would shut out the possibility of ever falling in love again. But, I'm glad to see that he is doing well and actively pursuing new experiences for himself. Perhaps that is why I have no choice but to let go.

I have no choice but to let go of the man I thought I know better than anyone else. I have to let go of my best friend so that he can become someone else's alpha, someone else's rock. I have moved on from the relationship. I have moved on from that fairy tale lifestyle he so willingly provided for me for well over a decade. I have accepted that my life is in my hands and whether I fail or succeed, it is only on me. What I  didn't realize though, is that I wasn't ready to let go of my best friend.

This isn't a pity party post. I thought I was someone important to him. I gave my all to him, to our marriage, and for many years I supported and encouraged him to follow his dreams. I can no longer do that for him. I would have loved to grow old and one day sit on a porch some where and share in all my life's ups and downs with my best friend. But he has given me no choice but to let go, completely and without regret, forever. Letting him go means letting go of so many pieces of who I am. But it's time... I must breathe deep, close my eyes and let the memory of him blow away in the wind.