Tuesday, February 10, 2015

The adventures of NOW

Moving to Seattle to go to college was a huge deal. I primarily moved here to earn my bachelor's degree in Culinary Arts Management in hopes to secure jobs around the world while I lived out my passion for travel. The idea was not to open my own restaurant, ever, but to be able to run a kitchen no matter where I moved to.

Just recently, an opportunity has arisen which will change the course of my life as I know it. The scary thing is that I don't know whether this will be a good change or a not so good one. I'm terrified of feeling "trapped" because this new adventure puts me in the spot light as far as the success of the business. I'm afraid that because it has the potential to do very well within a short period of time, I will be blinded by the success and feel the need to stay put here in Seattle.

On the flip side, truly the side I'm most attracted to, is that this is a wonderful learning opportunity for me. To gain the kind of experience associated with running my very own kitchen so early on in my culinary career is something I must take advantage of. I'm afraid that I might be in over my head as far as running this operation practically solo. I'm put under a lot of pressure to make sure this business sails smoothly and without many hiccups.

I know that I can tackle obstacles with grace and I'm not worried about the extensive work load. I'm just concerned that this might be too good to be true. I mean, who gets her very own cafe just handed to her on a silver platter? I know my skills are above average as far as cooking and managing, but I'm just shaken to my core. Both with excitement and also the tiny little tinge of fear that I might not do so well.

I'll be meeting with the owner in two day's time. Hopefully he'll be able to answer all my questions and help ease the nerves. My investor is putting all his eggs in this basket and is willing to give me free reign over the operation because he believes in me. That's an amazing feeling- to have that kind of support. But by golly... it's also a lot of pressure. If I do this on my own, and fail- I can live with that. But to have my investor lose because of me, well- that's a real gut wrenching, stomach twisting, high stress, type of feeling that I've already lost tons of sleep over. I don't want to be a disappointment.

As a perfectionist, I know I will throw myself into this adventure with nothing less than 110% but I'm still so very scared. I hope this turns out to be something amazing and I hope you all send me tons of positive love vibes that this becomes real sooner rather than later.

Until next time,
Much Love.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Some people...

Let me just begin by saying that I've officially started dating. *Gasp* I know right?!?! It's been hell. Last year, I was in total denial. I met a few guys that I actually enjoyed spending time with but truly the lack of down time took away any and all opportunity for me to actually date them.

Anyway, this past month I threw myself into it with a vengeance to make up for lost time. And it's been absolutely terrible. Haha... go figure.

Did you know that no matter how cool he is in his own right, you will still compare him to your ex? I didn't think that was a real thing, but apparently it is. And I do it- all the fucken time. It's so unfair to these guys and it's completely devastating to me and my fantasy at another solid relationship.

The thing is, my marriage was fucken awesome. And my (ex) husband is still a huge part of my life. He's my best friend and that's the problem. Sure, I've learned how to handle the emotional up roars by myself, something that I always turned to him for. But now my mind can't seem to stop tallying up all the things these new guys lack, in comparison to Him.

I have realized that although I have (perhaps more accurately now, "had") a preference in terms of the type of man I am most attracted to- I have yet to find one that gives me butterflies. Have I become so damaged and delusional that I just can't see these new guys' potential? Ugh... dating sucks.

Here's my problem: For one, I like tall, blond haired, blue eyed men. The guys on the roster right now? 5'9- 5'11, dark hair, dark eyes... Like wtf? Wearing heels (my greatest obsession since I was in the 2nd grade) has become so tricky because I am practically eye to eye with these guys and that freaks me out for some inexplicable reason. Some drink, some don't. Some go to church on the reg, some refuse to acknowledge the possibility of there being a higher power. Some go to the gym as though it were church (amen and hallelujah), others eat complete garbage which drives me infuckensane. Some have adorable relationships with their family, but others have so much dysfunction that it makes my brow furrow to the point where I'm terrified of permanent wrinkle damage.

They are all over the place and the only thing that they all have in common, is me. Which leads me to believe that I'm a crazy person. How can one person attract such a wide range of personalities? One is super athletic, he plays sports, climbs, and goes for runs on the beach for fun (like, um, really?!) One shoots guns, is into cars, but has the craziest ex wife on the planet. Some are musicians, both actual studio artists and starving artist types. A bartender, a real estate agent, a barber, an analyst, a car salesman, and a private contractor. Again... HOW can one person attract so many different personalities?

I've been 100% upfront with every single one of them. Meaning, they all know that I'm not exclusive. It bothers only a couple of them but so far, they both have held their tongues well. One of them went as far as to tell me that he's not seeing anyone other than me and that totally freaked me out. Like why would you tell me that? It's not going to alter my behavior. It just makes me feel like an asshole. This other guy, likes to talk mad shit about all the "other" chicks in his life... like I'm supposed to be jealous??? I'm not. I'm actually glad that he has other people to occupy his time- he's a fucken handful, haha. But, majority of them are what I consider seasoned daters. They've been single for a while and they know how to play the game. They keep their extracurricular activities to themselves and have the common courtesy to never question mine.

Which leads me to my next issue. Omission and just flat out lying. I'm super guilty of leaving out details to practically everything about anything serious in my life. Only 37% of the guys I'm dating know that I was married. Which was 100% an accident, on all accounts. I don't have a problem omitting details, especially since they're all practically new to me and trust should be earned. But, the lying part... I just don't get it. And lying about insignificant things nonetheless. Like, I'm not your gd mother- I won't scold you for anything. Honesty and trust go hand in hand, in my book. Being honest with me, even if it's simply stating the fact that you choose to not disclose something right now, earns my trust in you as a person.

I don't ask loaded questions, I don't require explanations. I simply appreciate honesty through and through. When I'm asked "What are you doing tonight?" and I have plans to see someone, the response is "I'm going out with a friend." None of this "oh, I'm staying home... or I feel sick" bullshit. I'm going out with a motherfucken friend. It's ok for YOU to respond with honesty. Don't tell me you've got to stay home with your kid and then fabricate this ginormous story when I run into you at the bar... with another girl. IDGAF- that's what dating is about. We are not in an actual relationship- you are allowed to go out with other people during the same time frame that we are seeing each other.  There is absolutely no reason to lie about it. Like, does nobody get that?

But my biggest headache has to have been this one which we will call Auggie. He's a solid 9.8 on just about everything you can put a score on. He's fit, eats well, has a great career, put together, charming, handsome, tall, great relationship with his family, drinks like a fish and is so functional in spite of it... But he's so hot and cold with me and it drives me totally ape shit bananas. I didn't realize it at first but then shit between us got really intense really quickly, which surprised me given his distaste for exclusive relationships. We talked every day, spent weekends together, did things that couples do and then he just bounced. Like *poof* disappeared. I wasn't too butt hurt about it- I just kind of went with it. But since then he's done that same move about half a dozen times. The more time we spent together, the more my curiosity about his disappearance grows. Because, if we were having such a good time, what the hell spooks him?

Last week was the final straw for him though. I had to cut that crazy man loose. Trying to decipher his behavior is like trying to smell the color 9. Hahahaha, seriously though. It's impossible to understand what he's doing. So, to keep myself from sustaining any further whiplash- I've just pressed the eject button. Which is kind of a shame, because he was in fact my favorite. But oh well, you live and learn. And I've learned that I can't stand highly emotional and erratic behavior from men.

As far as how dating other men has changed me: I'm a really hard person to please, as it turns out. This dating thing is not just a thing to pass the time. I think it started off that way but understanding how valuable timing is- I've started to actually assess whether any of these men will enhance who I am as an individual. I like how I have developed little connections with certain ones, but I also like how I can be so general with others. They all make me laugh, they all make me feel wanted, they all still are chivalrous with the opening of doors, bringing me coffee at home, sending sweet "just because" flowers and "thinking of you" texts. It's nice... But like I said, I have yet to come across the one that gives me butterflies... And we all know, it's those damn butterflies that make all the difference.

Going to bed. Goodnight.

Daily nugget: I like oriental lilies because they smell wonderful and are absolutely beautiful. I don't enjoy tulips, daisies, or carnations. Also, I dislike chocolate. Bring hummus and pita chips instead. And no, you can't stay the night. Don't even ask.

Oh, goodbye January.

Hello my lovely readers (i.e. Mom and Clarissa, haha)!

I apologize for once again dropping off the face of the planet in regards to this blog. I think about writing all the time, it just always seems impractical to stop doing all the nine hundred billion other things going on in day to day life to sit down and do this.

But, right now it's almost 2am on SUPER BOWL SUNDAY and although, I was in bed... I just could not fall asleep. So, I went to Safeway to procure the necessary supplies for my contribution to the game day shenanigans this afternoon.

What's been new with me? Well, a lot actually.

First and foremost Happy 2015! Yay! We made it through the first year of flying solo in Seattle. What a trip! From exploring my new city, finally (somewhat) settling into my flat, making new friends, the trials of dating, school, random ass odd jobs, the lack of my dear sweet puppy (she's still in Italy with her Dadz), to making the decision to take a quarter off from college... Life has been INSANE!

The last quarter of school completely wrecked my mojo. It was just so intense and demanding that by the time it came to finals week, I basically checked out. Since this is the career path I've chosen for myself, I definitely did not like feeling so blasé about all things culinary.

After much consideration and a rock solid game plan to not get so wound up in the future, taking a quarter off to recharge was the only logical solution. After my last class, I jumped on a plane and flew across the country to Virginia.

My brother and sister in law live there now and so it was wonderful getting to hang out with them for three and a half weeks. My (ex) husband also happened to be in town during my vacation so we hung out as well. It was the first time we've seen each other in over a year, minus the FaceTime dates.

While I was on the east coast, I also visited with a good friend of mine, Espi. He's working out there now... well not now since he is definitely moving to San Fran as I type.

Three and a half weeks of sleeping in, gymming, shopping, and being merry was the perfect way to finish out 2014.

When the new year came around, I felt recharged and super excited for what these next 12 months will be about.

The most important resolution I've set for myself this year is to be more aware of how I interact with people in my life now. I mean, my friends and family- they know me and so it's not necessarily geared towards those people. I'm talking about the people I've met here. As it turns out, I've been very closed off and stand offish to practically everyone I've met. My peers made it known that for the past year that they've been around me, working and studying with me- they actually don't know anything about me other than my name and the fact that I moved here from Italy.

I'm working on opening up to people. At least the ones I find myself spending the most time with outside of school. And not only opening up about myself, but opening up to learning about who they are. I don't ask questions... It's not in my nature to want to "get to know" people. I just observe and experiment and if you're not a total douchetard (technical term) I listen if you want to tell me things. But rarely do I ever ask about family, friends, relationships, or what they do outside of school. I think because I just don't really care- and that is what I'm working on. Caring for others who are in my life now.

What else is going on... um I finally painted my flat. The main theme is black and white throughout the space but there are bold pops of girly ass colors. My bathroom is pink and princess inspired with tassels and jewels. The bedroom is royal purple, gold accessories, and luxurious fabrics (as it should be). The kitchen is a warm golden yellow and the living room is tiffany blue with tons of sparkle! None of my actual furniture from Italy has made it here yet. The husband totally dropped the ball on that one. I'm trying to be as patient as I can but holy hell, it's been over a year... ugh.

I have deep red hair now. It's growing out nicely. Since I'm not in school right now I've been going to the gym twice a day and my eating has become very strict minus the one cheat meal a week I've allowed myself for gymming twice a day. I've only taken advantage of that twice so far, and mildly at that. Something about pushing really hard makes it ten times more difficult to mentally derail my diet for some kind of "reward" type psychology. I think the reason why I haven't really gone bananas with the whole cheat meal situation is because the one thing I crave with the passion of the christ, is this pizza I get from back home. It's got hot Italian sausage, salami, grilled eggplant, onions, and a medley of mushrooms. OH MY YUM! I just haven't found any legit pizzeria that can emulate that pizza. So, why bother?

Anywho... I'm done for this post. Something totally random just popped into my brain and so I'm going to write about that now.

Have a great day! Byeeeee!