Saturday, May 30, 2015

The struggle is real


Today I've learned that I'm way too stubborn to return to the working class of corporate America. You know, the kind of work that demands I show up early, leave late, work through lunch hour (which is really only 30 minutes to begin with), smile through bullshit as to not hurt anyone's precious feelings... yea- I'm most definitely not cut out for that kind of job anymore.

After a long internal debate and for reasons beyond my control, I've decided to take the month of June and use it as an experimental period in my life. What this means is that I've accepted a position as a medical administrator for a private practice office in my neighborhood.

Yea, I used to do a very similar job just under 5 years ago when I lived in Phoenix. And the funny thing is that I promised myself I would never look back once I quit that job. I did really well and lived up to my promise. Shit, I moved to Italy, travelled, did all kinds of things in all kinds of places. I got into college for culinary arts, started my own small business, and landed the sweetest contract of all time with Eat Seattle Tours. Life has been grand!

So, why the bullshit occupational experiment? Well, I'm doing it because initially I was bored. Initially, I sent out over 50 applications to all kinds of places around Seattle just to see if anything would stick. The reason why this position is the one I settled on (and trust me, settle is the absolute most appropriate word to use in this instance, I just know it) is because I really am smitten with the negotiating I was able to pull off.

Did I ever tell you that I was being primed to be an awesome international criminal defense attorney? Yea, I was going to do that... Turns out speech and debate was a piece of cake, and 10 years after high school, I still have my sweet negotiating skills on point. Boooooyah!

Anyway, I accepted this position because I love to wear fancy shoes and eat all the food. I know that it's just a temporary gig and the bigger picture is to ease myself back into the "being and employee" mindset without committing to a job that'll hold me down for another x amount of years (ahem Luke... circa 2006) If you don't get that reference, don't worry about it.

Because I know myself very well, I'm giving myself one month to get on board with this experiment. If I happen to like this job I'm going to run with it simultaneously while knocking out classes for my degree. If I happen to hate it, well, I'll just have to log into my bank account- that'll be a real quick reminder to suck it up.

My goal with this blog post is to document the detour and see if I'll learn anything new about myself, my tolerance to bullshit, and whether or not I even possess the ability to change. So wish me luck, and here we go!
#day1workflowselfie

Monday, May 4, 2015

I did this for me.

I spent all day going back and forth debating with myself whether or not to post this. As you can see, it's live and out there...

What I think my struggle was about is the fact that this is a very intimate photo. It's a side of me that is reserved for someone I'm in love with, someone who has earned the right to this primal image of my body. But that's just the initial perception of what this faceless self portrait represents.

It has been a really challenging battle to have any confidence about my body. I still fluctuate between content, mild shame, and pure disgust. I was very unhealthy, overweight, and utterly unhappy with how my body was. Four years ago, I wouldn't undress in front of my husband because I didn't want him to fall out of love with me for having a body covered in stretch marks. Let alone even think about buying undergarments like this. Trust me, I tried but being told that I should go shop at a specialty store for larger women kind of knocks the wind out of you and makes it very hard to try again.

My thighs rubbed together when I walked, my bat wings were stuffed into shirts with sleeves, my tummy rolled over my stretchy pants... It was the lowest point of my life. I felt like garbage because I ate garbage and instead of making changes to fix the problem, I drowned my sorrows in gravy and covered it with rainbow sprinkles.

After my workout this morning, I showered and started to get dressed. I was walking around my place with a cup of java pro coffee protein.  I caught a glimpse of myself in my full length mirror and I literally stopped dead in my tracks. I didn't recognize that body... THIS body... the thigh gap, the bubble butt, abs, mild horseshoe definition in my triceps... my jaw literally dropped and then my eyes welled up.

I EARNED this body. I have spent hours in the gym, pushing myself to lift heavy, to only count the reps with proper form, forcing myself to do the worst thing on the planet- cardio... I earned THIS body. I'm still pushing and fighting to get as lean as I physically can. I'm still turning to grilled chicken breast and steamed veggies instead of indulging in pizza and rib eye steaks.

I'm no where near where what I envision my body to look like but I sure as hell am proud of what I see today. This post is not about attention or validation, it's about stopping for just a second to revel in how far I've come. To take pride and credit for the hard work I've already put in. This photo captures the woman who said "No more!" and got off her flabby ass to change what she could about the physical appearance of HER body.

I did this for me. And I am so proud of myself.