Sunday, October 15, 2017

Surrender Sweet Girl

One of the most interesting things is how I can love someone so much despite the immense amount of pain he put me through. I often think I'm madly insane because it doesn't make any logical sense to feel this way. I feel sympathy for him, that he's not being loved properly if he's not being loved by me. M is the greatest love of my life and although I've been in love once or twice before, this love was so much more intense for me. I'm older now and I have had the time to understand how different partners can be and still be so compatible in daily life. We were a very successful couple. We were the perfect compliment to each other.

The break down happened once a lie was discovered. I'm not one to blame so I'll spare you the details but I can't stand by a liar. I can accept and move past really shitty things if it's owned on the spot. Trust has always been an issue for me personally, but he made it easy to trust him. Until the end of the relationship, I still trusted him to be a better man than all the others. I was tremendously disappointed.

What's happening now is the grieving process and I know that men and women grieve differently. Just as introverts and extroverts do, just as narcissists and empaths do. We all process tragedy differently and I did my best to be compassionate towards what he needed for himself. For me it's a matter of knowing when to just cut my losses. I have a terrible tendency to just push through the shit in hopes of a grand turn around, or a shocking epiphany. Too many times have I been let down by that overly romantic notion of a phoenix rising from the ashes.

Most days I do just fine. I distract myself with work and superficial conversations with other men. I know full well that none of it is allowing me the proper way to deal with my great loss. I see him out there, living his life with no qualms about anything. I don't know what goes on inside him, as that's no longer a place he allows me. But what I do see, scares the shit out of me. I fear that he's not ever going to allow himself anytime to grieve. At first I took offense to it. He doesn't seem to be sad at all about the break up. And of course that hurts.

But on nights like tonight, when I miss him so much- I must remind myself that all things happen as they should. We did the best we could with what we had and it didn't work and that's ok. I'm doing whatever I can to remind myself that there is a glorious lesson to be learned here. I'm just too hurt to see what it is right now. I still crave him in all the best ways. I miss his smile. He has an incredibly bright smile. I miss his smell, and the way he chuckles when I do something silly.

On nights like tonight I allow myself to smile at the beautiful life we had without feeling sad that it's no longer my reality. I loved him with everything I am and I will never regret that. On nights like tonight, I must remind myself that I am a very strong woman who made the absolute best decision for herself to step away from him. It's challenging to convince myself that I'm worth so much more than he was willing to give. The truth is, he's worth everything to me. I miss my best friend and I miss my Love.

For anyone going through heartbreak, it's almost like trying to process death. The man I loved and saw myself growing old with is no longer present in this life. When I feel like reaching out to him to hug him or kiss him, it's a stabbing pain to realize that doing so is no longer an option. And then the pain subsides just long enough for me to find something distracting. And then I ignore the yearning for him until I obsess over the fights and the mean, hurtful things that were said between us. I don't think it's the healthiest approach to grieving- the focusing on the bad, but it seems to work for me right now.

It is my wish that he is healthy and that he knows he's loved still. It is my hope that he finds peace and happiness within himself. I hope that as these days come and go, I am healing for myself. I'm not closed off to love- I've fought so hard to become who I am and I am at the mercy of life experiences and in that I find strength. It takes way more strength to surrender sometimes. Most times, I fight and tonight. I've chosen to surrender.

When you surrender it's not that you're weak or anything. It's you recognizing that you're human and emotions are part of who you are. Some of us have gotten really good at pushing down emotions and operating in a very black and white space. M taught me to see color, to feel... Tonight I surrender to the happy memories and the great love we had for each other. Tonight I send him love vibrations like none other. And on that note, I feel proud myself.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Falling in love after losing yourself

I was married for 9 years and after the divorce I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I was scared that I wouldn't know how to behave in the world as a single lady. I was afraid that no one would like me or be attracted to me. Turns out many women feel that as well. It took a good long time to understand what I was experiencing and after a lot of weird dates, a couple failed attempts at relationships, and a lot of alone time- I've realized that I still had no idea who I even was. That concept that I should get to know myself didn't resonate with me until I found myself terrified of opening up to someone.

We had a very funny first interaction. He's a bartender and I went visit a friend who worked with him. I walked in and saw him and he basically ignored me. Which definitely doesn't happen often to me so that took me by surprise. We ended up running into each other a few nights later and I don't know why but when I saw him, I ran across the room and threw my hands in the air, screamed his name and gave him a giant hug as though we've been friends for years. I'll never forget the look on his face or the way his arms came in and hugged me back. It was genuine and intense and that was the night I fell in love without even knowing it. After the hug, we just went on about our night with our separate groups of friends and that was that. About a week later we found each other at the same bar, surrounded by pretty much the same people and to skip all the details- he basically saved me that night. I was cowering in the corner because my ex followed me into the bar and it was a weird forced situation and I just wanted out. So this new bartender guy friend dragged me across the street to buy a bottle of tequila then led me down all these dark alley ways until we got to his car. He and I drove down to the beach and just laughed the night away. It was 3 in the morning before I realized he was schnockered and I wanted to go home. We went back to my condo where we ended up falling asleep in my bed together- without any monkey business, believe it or not.

The next day, we woke up and we just fell into this groove, it was natural and felt so right. As cliche as that sounds. There wasn't really any sexual tension or intention even though we both were attracted to each other. We parted ways for all of 3 hours before he texted me inviting me out to grab dinner with a few of our mutual friends. I agreed excitedly of course, and to be honest- the rest is history. We've been together ever since. Granted, we maintained our friendship for a little while before we fessed up to our feelings. He hit me out of no where, the love bubble exploded in my face like a ton of glittery hearts.

What is most interesting to me about this whole new love I've been gifted is that I feel so at home with him. I feel as though I've been searching my whole life for him and it's unreal that I wake up next to the love of my life. He's intrigued me since the day we met and every day, I thank the heavens for allowing me to find him in this great big world of ours.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

On saying goodbye when you're not ready

It's always been a fear of mine, the running out of time. The lost chance at the perfect goodbye.
This is a story about how I had to get good with saying goodbye without getting to say goodbye.

It was a whirlwind love affair, as they always are. The kind that hits you out of no where when you least expect it. For me, he was right on time. You came into my life exactly when I was ready for a man like you. You took my hand and immediately recognized the hard work it takes to build callouses on the pads of one's hands. We laughed and bonded over being "bros". We shared a sub par caesar salad loaded with black pepper and laughed about picking out the croutons, because we don't eat "that shit."

You saved me that night. In more ways than I realized at the time. You saved me from myself. You took my hand and led me down some creepy ass dark alley ways but I wasn't afraid. Not even for a second. I knew, you were going to be something grand.

It was late August, the tail end of the most interesting summer of my life. I was in a good place. A strong and centered head space. I knew full well what this meant for me, and excited about the journey. I was ready for you!

We spent every single day together. I didn't understand how that would become my greatest weakness. It's been so long since I've found a deep enough connection that never seemed to get old day in and day out. Even when I was with you, I wanted more.

The thing is, we've gotten to the point that the pain is more satisfying than the happiness we bring each other. That's an unhealthy relationship in and of itself. Not to mention all the other bullshit issues we shed light on. It's because we care about each other so deeply that the idea of growing old together scares the living shit out of us both. Except, I can see it for what it is. It's not fear of growing old in my case. It's fear of growing apart.

We created rifts just to see if we can patch it up. We put ourselves through impossible circumstances just to see if we can make it through. I've always believed that love is simple. And what we were doing was the simplest thing I've ever had the pleasure of doing.

Tonight was too much for me though. All the empty threats about walking away, don't scare me. Tonight, I hit a breaking point when you decided that it was ok to laugh at me and rub it in my face that Lawrence had divorced me. That is unforgivable and there are many things that I could and did turn the other cheek to. But Lawrence... that is untouchable and you poked and prodded like it was just another thing to be dissected and judged for.

Saying goodbye to you was not easy. Especially because I didn't actually get to say goodbye. But that's life for you. It just hits you out of no where and you gotta get good with it. Life will go on- as it always does. Until the day it just doesn't anymore. And at that point, I mean really, it is what it is.

If I had the opportunity to tell you goodbye, I believe it would go a little something like this:

"You are a good person. A strong man who has a kind soul. I wish I was enough for you, I wish you were strong enough for me. We tried, we succeeded, yet there is just something much greater than the two of us, that is at work here. I will hold on to our good times, and be grateful for the not so good. Both will eventually fade and I'm ok with that. I've learned more about myself while we were together than I have in the five years past. Thank you for attempting to love me. Thank you for allowing me to love you. I hope you find peace. I hope you remember that you're worth it. You deserve happiness in whatever form you can accept. I love you and I wish you all the best."